1 00:00:02,736 --> 00:00:10,536 08 Deadpool - Action 2016 English 2 00:00:24,760 --> 00:00:26,826 [POP MUSIC PLAYING] 3 00:02:28,083 --> 00:02:32,051 [SONG PLAYING IN HINDI] 4 00:02:45,534 --> 00:02:47,100 [WIND WHOOSHING] 5 00:03:02,217 --> 00:03:04,862 Kinda lonesome back here. 6 00:03:04,886 --> 00:03:07,632 [MUMBLING] [GRUNTS] Yeah, little help. 7 00:03:07,656 --> 00:03:12,570 Okay, um, just, I have to keep my hands on the wheel. 8 00:03:12,594 --> 00:03:13,771 [CONTINUES GRUNTING] 9 00:03:13,795 --> 00:03:16,007 Excuse me. Whoo! 10 00:03:16,031 --> 00:03:17,842 [CHUCKLES] Ah, Dopinder. 11 00:03:17,866 --> 00:03:19,933 Pool. Dead. 12 00:03:21,203 --> 00:03:22,669 Hmm, nice. 13 00:03:23,705 --> 00:03:24,816 [DOPINDER] Smells good, no? 14 00:03:24,840 --> 00:03:26,851 Not the Daffodil Daydream. The girl. 15 00:03:26,875 --> 00:03:28,853 Ah, yes. Gita. 16 00:03:28,877 --> 00:03:30,788 Hmm. She is quite lovely. 17 00:03:30,812 --> 00:03:33,124 She would have made me a very agreeable wife. 18 00:03:33,148 --> 00:03:35,193 But, um... 19 00:03:35,217 --> 00:03:38,963 Gita's heart has been stolen by my cousin Bandhu. 20 00:03:38,987 --> 00:03:42,722 He is as dish on our able as he is attractive. 21 00:03:43,925 --> 00:03:45,870 Dopinder, I'm starting to think 22 00:03:45,894 --> 00:03:47,805 there's a reason I'm in this cab today. 23 00:03:47,829 --> 00:03:49,540 Yeah, sir, you called for it, remember? 24 00:03:49,564 --> 00:03:54,545 No, my slender brown friend. Love is a beautiful thing. 25 00:03:54,569 --> 00:03:55,947 When you find it, the whole world 26 00:03:55,971 --> 00:03:57,215 tastes like Daffodil Daydream. 27 00:03:57,239 --> 00:03:58,549 [DOPINDER GRUNTS] 28 00:03:58,573 --> 00:04:00,651 So you gotta hold onto love 29 00:04:00,675 --> 00:04:01,953 tight! Ah. 30 00:04:01,977 --> 00:04:03,488 And never let go. 31 00:04:03,512 --> 00:04:04,956 Don't make the same mistakes I did. 32 00:04:04,980 --> 00:04:07,725 Got it? Yeah. 33 00:04:07,749 --> 00:04:10,495 Or else the whole world tastes like Mama June after hot yoga. 34 00:04:10,519 --> 00:04:12,830 [STUTTERS] Sir, what does Miss Mama June taste like? 35 00:04:12,854 --> 00:04:15,833 Like two hobos fucking in a shoe filled with piss. Okay, enough. 36 00:04:15,857 --> 00:04:18,769 I can go all day, Dopinder. The point is, it's bad! 37 00:04:18,793 --> 00:04:20,872 Hmm, it's bad. 38 00:04:20,896 --> 00:04:23,708 Uh, why the fancy red suit, Mr. Pool? 39 00:04:23,732 --> 00:04:25,810 Oh, that's because it's Christmas Day, Dopinder. 40 00:04:25,834 --> 00:04:28,246 And I'm after someone on my naughty list. 41 00:04:28,270 --> 00:04:29,947 I've been waiting one year, three weeks 42 00:04:29,971 --> 00:04:31,916 six days and, oh 43 00:04:31,940 --> 00:04:34,274 14 minutes to make him fix what he did to me. 44 00:04:35,911 --> 00:04:38,189 And what did he do to you, Mr. Pool? 45 00:04:38,213 --> 00:04:39,746 This shit... 46 00:04:40,882 --> 00:04:41,948 Boo! 47 00:04:43,752 --> 00:04:45,084 [CHOPPER BLADES WHIRRING] 48 00:05:00,569 --> 00:05:01,868 [SIGHS] 49 00:05:02,804 --> 00:05:03,970 They won't disappoint. 50 00:05:04,639 --> 00:05:06,284 They'd better not. 51 00:05:06,308 --> 00:05:08,853 And what about next month's shipment? 52 00:05:08,877 --> 00:05:10,588 There won't be one. 53 00:05:10,612 --> 00:05:12,252 You're not the only one with a war to win. 54 00:05:13,315 --> 00:05:14,881 That won't do. 55 00:05:17,786 --> 00:05:20,264 See, we've had this small disruption 56 00:05:20,288 --> 00:05:21,754 to our supply chain... 57 00:05:22,157 --> 00:05:23,256 [CHOKING] 58 00:05:25,360 --> 00:05:27,794 We'd appreciate your patience. 59 00:05:30,165 --> 00:05:31,742 [GRUNTS] Okay. 60 00:05:31,766 --> 00:05:34,211 We'll deliver in full the following month. 61 00:05:34,235 --> 00:05:36,235 [GASPING] 62 00:05:37,739 --> 00:05:39,019 Pleasure doing business with you. 63 00:05:42,744 --> 00:05:44,611 Fucking mutant. 64 00:05:45,614 --> 00:05:47,614 [ENGINES ROARING] 65 00:05:54,356 --> 00:05:56,000 Oh, shit! 66 00:05:56,024 --> 00:05:57,802 I forgot my ammo bag. 67 00:05:57,826 --> 00:05:58,970 Shall we turn back? 68 00:05:58,994 --> 00:06:00,338 No, no time. 69 00:06:00,362 --> 00:06:02,039 Fuck it. I got this. 70 00:06:02,063 --> 00:06:05,343 9, 10, 11, 12 bullets, or bust. 71 00:06:05,367 --> 00:06:06,677 Right here! [GRUNTS] 72 00:06:06,701 --> 00:06:08,346 [TIRES SCREECHING] 73 00:06:08,370 --> 00:06:11,048 That's, uh, $27.50. 74 00:06:11,072 --> 00:06:12,850 I... I never carry a wallet when I'm working. 75 00:06:12,874 --> 00:06:14,719 Ruins the lines of my suit. 76 00:06:14,743 --> 00:06:15,853 Oh. But, uh, 77 00:06:15,877 --> 00:06:17,188 how about a crisp high five? 78 00:06:17,212 --> 00:06:18,322 Okay. 79 00:06:18,346 --> 00:06:20,992 Merry Christmas. 80 00:06:21,016 --> 00:06:24,128 And a convivial Tuesday in April to you too, Pool! 81 00:06:24,152 --> 00:06:27,698 Hey, yeah I wanna shoop, baby 82 00:06:27,722 --> 00:06:30,668 [WADE SINGING] Shoop shooop ba-doop, shoop ba-doop 83 00:06:30,692 --> 00:06:32,637 Shoop ba-doop, ba-doop, ba-doop 84 00:06:32,661 --> 00:06:34,672 You're packed and you're stacked 'specially in the back 85 00:06:34,696 --> 00:06:37,308 Brother, wanna thank your mother for a butt like that 86 00:06:37,332 --> 00:06:39,877 Can I get some fries with that shake-shake boobie? 87 00:06:39,901 --> 00:06:42,079 If looks could kill you would be an uzi 88 00:06:42,103 --> 00:06:43,714 You're a shotgun, bang! 89 00:06:43,738 --> 00:06:45,316 Wha... Oh! 90 00:06:45,340 --> 00:06:48,753 Oh, hello. I know, right? 91 00:06:48,777 --> 00:06:50,721 Whose balls did I have to fondle 92 00:06:50,745 --> 00:06:52,356 to get my very own movie? 93 00:06:52,380 --> 00:06:53,758 I can't tell you, 94 00:06:53,782 --> 00:06:56,227 but it does rhyme with Polverine. 95 00:06:56,251 --> 00:06:59,079 And let me tell you, 96 00:06:59,103 --> 00:07:01,932 he's got a nice pair of smooth criminals down under. 97 00:07:01,956 --> 00:07:06,103 Anyway, I got places to be, a face to fix and, oh... 98 00:07:06,127 --> 00:07:08,906 Bad guys to kill. 99 00:07:08,930 --> 00:07:10,697 [POP MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO] 100 00:07:14,202 --> 00:07:15,268 Maximum effort. 101 00:07:19,274 --> 00:07:20,373 [GROANS] 102 00:07:22,744 --> 00:07:23,943 [GRUNTING] 103 00:07:25,313 --> 00:07:26,379 [WADE] Cock shot. 104 00:07:28,817 --> 00:07:30,083 [SCREAMING] 105 00:07:31,319 --> 00:07:32,418 [MOCKINGLY] Ha! 106 00:07:33,088 --> 00:07:34,098 [GRUNTS] 107 00:07:34,122 --> 00:07:36,255 Rich Corinthian leather. 108 00:07:38,159 --> 00:07:40,438 [WADE] I'm looking for Francis! 109 00:07:40,462 --> 00:07:42,239 Have you seen this man? [GROANS] 110 00:07:42,263 --> 00:07:44,330 Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. [RADIO STATIONS CHANGING] 111 00:07:50,472 --> 00:07:52,149 [WADE] Ow. Ow! 112 00:07:52,173 --> 00:07:53,250 Yanky, yanky! 113 00:07:53,274 --> 00:07:54,907 [GUN FIRES] [SCREAMS] 114 00:07:55,777 --> 00:07:57,043 [MACHINE GUN FIRING] 115 00:08:03,084 --> 00:08:04,784 [WADE GASPS] [GROANS] 116 00:08:06,054 --> 00:08:07,298 [SCREAMS] 117 00:08:07,322 --> 00:08:08,888 [MAN GROANING] [CAR ACCELERATING] 118 00:08:10,959 --> 00:08:12,024 [GRUNTING] 119 00:08:15,163 --> 00:08:16,796 [TIRES SCREECHING] 120 00:08:19,367 --> 00:08:20,433 [CONTINUES GRUNTING] 121 00:08:22,303 --> 00:08:23,369 [SCREAMING] 122 00:08:24,773 --> 00:08:26,450 [MUFFLED SCREAMING] 123 00:08:26,474 --> 00:08:28,314 [WADE] I've never said this, but don't swallow. 124 00:08:29,844 --> 00:08:30,910 [MAN GROANING] 125 00:08:31,479 --> 00:08:32,545 [GUN COCKS] 126 00:08:36,885 --> 00:08:38,117 [GRUNTS] 127 00:08:49,397 --> 00:08:51,475 Shit. 128 00:08:51,499 --> 00:08:53,566 Did I leave the stove on? 129 00:08:59,274 --> 00:09:00,339 [THUDS] 130 00:09:03,344 --> 00:09:05,812 [TIRES SCREECHING] 131 00:09:11,085 --> 00:09:12,863 [REPORTER] Now, breaking news. 132 00:09:12,887 --> 00:09:14,932 A multi-car collision turned shots fired 133 00:09:14,956 --> 00:09:16,834 on the cross town expressway this morning. 134 00:09:16,858 --> 00:09:19,069 Gridlock has kept police from the scene. 135 00:09:19,093 --> 00:09:21,539 Residents are advised to remain in their homes. 136 00:09:21,563 --> 00:09:23,207 The assailant appears to be armed, 137 00:09:23,231 --> 00:09:24,809 dangerous, and wearing 138 00:09:24,833 --> 00:09:26,265 a red suit. A red suit. 139 00:09:26,935 --> 00:09:28,145 Dead pool. 140 00:09:28,169 --> 00:09:31,816 Negasonic! Come, we have mission. 141 00:09:31,840 --> 00:09:34,251 [NEGASONIC TEENAGE WARHEAD] Colossus, wait up. 142 00:09:34,275 --> 00:09:37,588 I've given Dead pool every chance to join us, 143 00:09:37,612 --> 00:09:39,957 but he'd rather act like a child. 144 00:09:39,981 --> 00:09:42,326 A heavily-armed child. 145 00:09:42,350 --> 00:09:46,230 When will he grow up and see benefits of becoming X-Man? 146 00:09:46,254 --> 00:09:48,365 Which benefits? The matching unitards? 147 00:09:48,389 --> 00:09:50,267 The house that blows up every few years? 148 00:09:50,291 --> 00:09:51,368 Please. 149 00:09:51,392 --> 00:09:54,271 House blowing up builds character. 150 00:09:54,295 --> 00:09:56,207 You ate breakfast, yes? 151 00:09:56,231 --> 00:09:59,343 Breakfast is most important meal of day. 152 00:09:59,367 --> 00:10:03,614 Here, protein bar. Good for bones. 153 00:10:03,638 --> 00:10:06,283 Dead pool may try to break yours. 154 00:10:06,307 --> 00:10:07,907 [JET ENGINE ROARING] 155 00:10:13,548 --> 00:10:14,625 [PEOPLE CLAMORING] 156 00:10:14,649 --> 00:10:16,093 [MAN] Get out of the way! 157 00:10:16,117 --> 00:10:17,477 [INDISTINCT SHOUTING AND SCREAMING] 158 00:10:33,401 --> 00:10:35,012 [WADE] Hey! Whoo! [GUNS FIRING] 159 00:10:35,036 --> 00:10:36,335 [WOMAN SCREAMS] 160 00:10:46,114 --> 00:10:47,591 [WADE] Wait! 161 00:10:47,615 --> 00:10:49,894 You may be wondering, Why the red suit? 162 00:10:49,918 --> 00:10:51,951 Well, that's so bad guys can't see me bleed. 163 00:10:52,987 --> 00:10:54,398 This guy's got the right idea. 164 00:10:54,422 --> 00:10:55,955 He wore the brown pants. 165 00:10:56,457 --> 00:10:57,635 [GUN FIRING] 166 00:10:57,659 --> 00:11:00,004 Fine! I only have 12 bullets, 167 00:11:00,028 --> 00:11:01,572 so you're gonna have to share! 168 00:11:01,596 --> 00:11:03,496 Let's count them down. 169 00:11:04,399 --> 00:11:05,464 [GUN FIRING] 170 00:11:10,204 --> 00:11:11,270 [GROANING] 171 00:11:12,440 --> 00:11:13,506 [FIRING CONTINUES] 172 00:11:17,979 --> 00:11:19,045 [GROANS] 173 00:11:20,114 --> 00:11:21,180 [TIRES SCREECHING] 174 00:11:22,717 --> 00:11:24,083 Shit. 175 00:11:27,021 --> 00:11:28,688 Motherfucker! 176 00:11:30,058 --> 00:11:31,190 10! Shit! 177 00:11:31,659 --> 00:11:32,725 Nine. Fuck. 178 00:11:33,194 --> 00:11:34,305 Eight. 179 00:11:34,329 --> 00:11:35,372 Shit-fuck! 180 00:11:35,396 --> 00:11:36,462 [GRUNTS] 181 00:11:39,133 --> 00:11:40,366 Bad Dead pool. 182 00:11:41,669 --> 00:11:44,048 Seven. Good Dead pool. 183 00:11:44,072 --> 00:11:45,171 [BULLETS RICOCHETING] 184 00:11:55,516 --> 00:11:56,727 [GUN COCKS] 185 00:11:56,751 --> 00:11:58,017 Oh! 186 00:12:03,091 --> 00:12:04,156 [GRUNTS] 187 00:12:06,260 --> 00:12:07,470 [GUN CLICKING] 188 00:12:07,494 --> 00:12:08,934 Someone's not counting. Six. [GROANS] 189 00:12:18,673 --> 00:12:19,739 [GUN FIRING] 190 00:12:20,775 --> 00:12:22,541 [EXPLODING] 191 00:12:25,580 --> 00:12:28,392 [SPEAKING SPANISH] 192 00:12:28,416 --> 00:12:30,016 [MACHINE GUN FIRING] Oh! 193 00:12:35,323 --> 00:12:37,234 [GROANS] Four... 194 00:12:37,258 --> 00:12:38,324 [GUN FIRES] [GROANS] 195 00:12:38,760 --> 00:12:40,137 Gotcha. 196 00:12:40,161 --> 00:12:41,572 [GRUNTS] 197 00:12:41,596 --> 00:12:43,095 Right up main street. 198 00:12:47,068 --> 00:12:48,112 Three, two! 199 00:12:48,136 --> 00:12:50,102 Stupid! Worth it. 200 00:12:50,638 --> 00:12:52,038 [GUNFIRE CONTINUES] 201 00:13:03,351 --> 00:13:04,717 [GUN FIRES] 202 00:13:05,253 --> 00:13:06,530 [ALL GROANING] 203 00:13:06,554 --> 00:13:08,320 [CLINKS] 204 00:13:12,060 --> 00:13:14,071 [SNIFFING] 205 00:13:14,095 --> 00:13:15,294 Ah! 206 00:13:16,397 --> 00:13:18,431 I'm touching myself tonight. 207 00:13:19,233 --> 00:13:20,611 Francis! 208 00:13:20,635 --> 00:13:22,101 Francis... 209 00:13:23,805 --> 00:13:26,216 What the shit-biscuit! 210 00:13:26,240 --> 00:13:28,074 Where you at, Francis? 211 00:13:28,509 --> 00:13:29,775 [GROANING] 212 00:13:32,547 --> 00:13:33,612 [GROANING LOUDLY] 213 00:13:36,784 --> 00:13:38,084 You're not Francis. 214 00:13:45,860 --> 00:13:48,461 Really? Rolling up the sleeves? 215 00:13:53,701 --> 00:13:54,834 [GROANS] 216 00:13:58,706 --> 00:14:00,250 [WADE] You're probably thinking, 217 00:14:00,274 --> 00:14:02,186 My boyfriend said this was a superhero movie, 218 00:14:02,210 --> 00:14:03,654 but that guy in the red suit just turned 219 00:14:03,678 --> 00:14:06,190 that other guy into a fucking kabab! 220 00:14:06,214 --> 00:14:10,761 Well, I may be super, but I'm no hero. 221 00:14:10,785 --> 00:14:13,130 And yeah, technically, this is a murder. 222 00:14:13,154 --> 00:14:15,399 But some of the best love stories start with a murder. 223 00:14:15,423 --> 00:14:18,469 And that's exactly what this is, a love story. 224 00:14:18,493 --> 00:14:19,837 And to tell it right 225 00:14:19,861 --> 00:14:22,239 I gotta take you back to long before 226 00:14:22,263 --> 00:14:25,676 I squeezed this ass into red spandex. 227 00:14:25,700 --> 00:14:28,412 [MERCHANT] Look, would it help if I slow it down for you? 228 00:14:28,436 --> 00:14:30,781 I didn't order the pizza. 229 00:14:30,805 --> 00:14:34,718 Is this 7348 Red Ledge Drive? Are you Mr. Merchant? 230 00:14:34,742 --> 00:14:38,222 Yeah, the Mr. Merchant who didn't order the fucking pie! 231 00:14:38,246 --> 00:14:39,411 Then who placed the call? 232 00:14:39,847 --> 00:14:41,358 [WADE] I did! 233 00:14:41,382 --> 00:14:42,681 [TOILET FLUSHING] 234 00:14:43,551 --> 00:14:45,462 Pineapple and olive? 235 00:14:45,486 --> 00:14:48,432 Sweet and salty. 236 00:14:48,456 --> 00:14:49,600 The fuck are you? 237 00:14:49,624 --> 00:14:51,602 The fuck you doing in my crib... 238 00:14:51,626 --> 00:14:52,769 Is it burnt crust? 239 00:14:52,793 --> 00:14:54,705 I... God, I hope not. Um... 240 00:14:54,729 --> 00:14:56,640 Whoa... Man, look, if this is about that poker game. 241 00:14:56,664 --> 00:14:58,909 I told Howie, I told him that... 242 00:14:58,933 --> 00:15:02,913 Okay, uh, look, just take whatever you want. 243 00:15:02,937 --> 00:15:05,149 Thanks. 244 00:15:05,173 --> 00:15:06,450 Sir, before you do anything to him, 245 00:15:06,474 --> 00:15:08,185 do you mind if I get a big tip? 246 00:15:08,209 --> 00:15:10,921 [CHUCKLES] Uh, Jeremy, is it? 247 00:15:10,945 --> 00:15:12,578 Umm-hmm. Wade. Wade Wilson. 248 00:15:13,648 --> 00:15:16,660 That is a no go on the tiperoo, Jer. 249 00:15:16,684 --> 00:15:18,529 I'm not here for him. 250 00:15:18,553 --> 00:15:20,264 I'm here for you. 251 00:15:20,288 --> 00:15:21,798 Oh. [CHUCKLES] 252 00:15:21,822 --> 00:15:23,567 Okay, wow, dodged a big-time bullet on that one. 253 00:15:23,591 --> 00:15:26,270 Not out of the woods yet. [GROANS] 254 00:15:26,294 --> 00:15:28,605 You need to seriously ease up on the bedazzling. 255 00:15:28,629 --> 00:15:30,607 They're jeans, not a chandelier. 256 00:15:30,631 --> 00:15:32,843 P.S. I'm keeping your wallet. You did kinda give it to me. 257 00:15:32,867 --> 00:15:34,745 Okay, just look, man, can I have my Sam's card 258 00:15:34,769 --> 00:15:37,814 I will shoot your fucking cat! 259 00:15:37,838 --> 00:15:40,617 I don't really know what that means. I don't have a cat. 260 00:15:40,641 --> 00:15:42,508 Then whose kitty litter did I just shit in? 261 00:15:46,547 --> 00:15:48,692 Anyhoo, tell me something 262 00:15:48,716 --> 00:15:52,529 what situation isn't improved by pizza? 263 00:15:52,553 --> 00:15:54,831 Do you happen to know a Meghan Orflosky? 264 00:15:54,855 --> 00:15:56,567 Getting that right? Orflosky? 265 00:15:56,591 --> 00:15:58,891 Orlovsky? Yeah? Good. 266 00:16:00,228 --> 00:16:01,471 Because she knows you. 267 00:16:01,495 --> 00:16:03,707 Jeremy, I belong to a group of guys 268 00:16:03,731 --> 00:16:05,842 who take a dime to beat a fella down. 269 00:16:05,866 --> 00:16:07,411 And little Meghan, she's not made of money, 270 00:16:07,435 --> 00:16:08,712 but lucky for her 271 00:16:08,736 --> 00:16:10,747 I got a soft spot. 272 00:16:10,771 --> 00:16:13,250 But I'm a... A stalker. 273 00:16:13,274 --> 00:16:14,718 Threats hurt, Jer. 274 00:16:14,742 --> 00:16:18,388 Though not nearly as badly as serrated steel. 275 00:16:18,412 --> 00:16:21,491 So keep away from Meghan. 276 00:16:21,515 --> 00:16:22,559 Cool? 277 00:16:22,583 --> 00:16:23,727 Yes, sir. 278 00:16:23,751 --> 00:16:25,229 Then we're done. 279 00:16:25,253 --> 00:16:27,331 Wait. [CHUCKLES SLOWLY] We are? 280 00:16:27,355 --> 00:16:29,600 Yeah. We're totally done. [LAUGHS] 281 00:16:29,624 --> 00:16:31,235 You should've seen your face. 282 00:16:31,259 --> 00:16:32,669 I didn't know what to do. I was so scared. 283 00:16:32,693 --> 00:16:33,804 Soft spot, remember? 284 00:16:33,828 --> 00:16:35,339 [WHIMPERS] 285 00:16:35,363 --> 00:16:37,441 You even look in her general direction again, 286 00:16:37,465 --> 00:16:38,942 and you will learn in the worst of ways 287 00:16:38,966 --> 00:16:41,300 that I have some hard spots too. 288 00:16:43,037 --> 00:16:44,603 That came out wrong. 289 00:16:45,640 --> 00:16:46,872 Or did it? 290 00:16:47,742 --> 00:16:48,752 [WHIMPERING] 291 00:16:48,776 --> 00:16:50,520 [INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS] 292 00:16:50,544 --> 00:16:52,256 [ROCK MUSIC PLAYING] 293 00:16:52,280 --> 00:16:53,646 [WOMAN LAUGHING] 294 00:16:59,520 --> 00:17:01,020 Mmm... Meghan? 295 00:17:04,292 --> 00:17:06,012 You've heard the last of Jeremy. He's sorry. 296 00:17:06,527 --> 00:17:08,460 No frigging way. 297 00:17:13,301 --> 00:17:14,411 Should've brought my roller blades. 298 00:17:14,435 --> 00:17:15,846 Show these kids how it's done. 299 00:17:15,870 --> 00:17:19,449 Oh. And that's why we do it. But mostly the money. 300 00:17:19,473 --> 00:17:21,418 Hey, think you could fuck up my step-dad? 301 00:17:21,442 --> 00:17:22,919 I give a guy a pavement facial, 302 00:17:22,943 --> 00:17:24,063 it's because he's earned it. 303 00:17:24,679 --> 00:17:25,978 Hey, wait! 304 00:17:27,648 --> 00:17:28,892 You're my hero. 305 00:17:28,916 --> 00:17:31,583 No-no-no-no. That I ain't! 306 00:17:33,087 --> 00:17:35,666 [WADE] Nope. Never will be. 307 00:17:35,690 --> 00:17:37,668 Oh. Fuck you, Wade. 308 00:17:37,692 --> 00:17:41,360 I'm just a bad guy who gets paid to fuck up worse guys. 309 00:17:42,596 --> 00:17:44,541 Welcome to Sister Margaret's. 310 00:17:44,565 --> 00:17:47,511 It's like a job fair for mercenaries. 311 00:17:47,535 --> 00:17:49,446 Think of us as really fucked up tooth fairies 312 00:17:49,470 --> 00:17:52,015 except we knock out the teeth and take the cash. 313 00:17:52,039 --> 00:17:55,085 You'd best hope we never see your name on a gold card. 314 00:17:55,109 --> 00:17:57,454 Buck! Liefeld... 315 00:17:57,478 --> 00:17:58,722 BUCK: Hey, Wade! 316 00:17:58,746 --> 00:17:59,956 Wade Wilson, patron saint of the pitiful. 317 00:17:59,980 --> 00:18:01,825 What can I do for you? 318 00:18:01,849 --> 00:18:03,460 I'd love a Blow Job. 319 00:18:03,484 --> 00:18:04,661 Oh, God, me too. 320 00:18:04,685 --> 00:18:06,819 The drink, moose knuckle. But first... 321 00:18:08,489 --> 00:18:10,500 Hey, and I ain't taking any babysitting money, all right? 322 00:18:10,524 --> 00:18:12,069 Make sure that gets back to Ms... 323 00:18:12,093 --> 00:18:13,370 Orlovsky. 324 00:18:13,394 --> 00:18:14,438 Yeah, her. 325 00:18:14,462 --> 00:18:15,872 You sure? Hmm. 326 00:18:15,896 --> 00:18:18,442 You know, for a merc, you're pretty warm-blooded. 327 00:18:18,466 --> 00:18:20,410 I bet you let the kid off easy, too. 328 00:18:20,434 --> 00:18:22,379 Oh, he's not a bad kid, Weas. 329 00:18:22,403 --> 00:18:23,613 Just a little light stalking. 330 00:18:23,637 --> 00:18:25,349 I was way worse than him when I was his age. 331 00:18:25,373 --> 00:18:26,983 I was travelling to exotic places 332 00:18:27,007 --> 00:18:29,753 Baghdad, Mogadishu, Jacksonville, 333 00:18:29,777 --> 00:18:31,655 meeting new and exciting people. And then, uh... 334 00:18:31,679 --> 00:18:33,857 Killing them. Yeah, I've seen your Instagram. 335 00:18:33,881 --> 00:18:36,393 So what was Special Forces doing in Jacksonville, anyway? 336 00:18:36,417 --> 00:18:37,894 That's classified. 337 00:18:37,918 --> 00:18:40,130 [WHISPERS] They have a wonderful TGI Fridays. 338 00:18:40,154 --> 00:18:42,632 All right, Kahlua, Baileys and 339 00:18:42,656 --> 00:18:43,900 whipped cream. 340 00:18:43,924 --> 00:18:46,536 I give you a Blow Job. 341 00:18:46,560 --> 00:18:47,904 Why do you make me make that? 342 00:18:47,928 --> 00:18:49,773 Kelly, Kelly, Kelly... 343 00:18:49,797 --> 00:18:51,375 Take that over to Buck please, 344 00:18:51,399 --> 00:18:53,143 and tell him it's from Boot he. Little foreplay. 345 00:18:53,167 --> 00:18:55,612 Remind me what good will come of this? 346 00:18:55,636 --> 00:18:57,681 I don't take the shits. I just disturb them. 347 00:18:57,705 --> 00:18:58,982 BUCK: Boot he! Oh! 348 00:18:59,006 --> 00:19:00,384 Easy, man. Hold up! Hold up! 349 00:19:00,408 --> 00:19:01,451 What you want? 350 00:19:01,475 --> 00:19:02,674 [GRUNTS] [ALL EXCLAIMING] 351 00:19:04,078 --> 00:19:06,857 Cheers. To your health. [WEASEL] Fuck you. 352 00:19:06,881 --> 00:19:09,025 [BOOTHE] Come here, you fat fuck! 353 00:19:09,049 --> 00:19:10,727 That's a new stool. 354 00:19:10,751 --> 00:19:11,984 [ALL CLAMORING] 355 00:19:15,523 --> 00:19:16,933 BUCK: Stay the fuck down. 356 00:19:16,957 --> 00:19:18,490 [GROANS] 357 00:19:19,627 --> 00:19:21,405 [MAN] Whoa! Took his ass out! 358 00:19:21,429 --> 00:19:23,073 [WEASEL] All right, move. Move, move, move. 359 00:19:23,097 --> 00:19:24,463 Buck, go rest. 360 00:19:25,699 --> 00:19:27,139 [MAN] Boot he got hit then went down. 361 00:19:30,738 --> 00:19:33,450 Yeah, he's still breathing. 362 00:19:33,474 --> 00:19:34,606 [ALL EXCLAIMING] 363 00:19:36,010 --> 00:19:37,621 Nobody wins today. 364 00:19:37,645 --> 00:19:39,423 Nice try, Wade. 365 00:19:39,447 --> 00:19:41,558 You got me. I picked Boot he in the dead pool. 366 00:19:41,582 --> 00:19:42,926 Who did you pick? 367 00:19:42,950 --> 00:19:45,128 Yeah, Wade, about that, um... 368 00:19:45,152 --> 00:19:46,663 No. 369 00:19:46,687 --> 00:19:48,620 You did not bet on me to die. 370 00:19:51,992 --> 00:19:53,570 You bet on me to die. Wow! 371 00:19:53,594 --> 00:19:55,439 Motherfucker, you're the world's worst friend. 372 00:19:55,463 --> 00:19:57,674 Well, joke's on you. I'm living to 102. 373 00:19:57,698 --> 00:19:59,810 And then dying. Like the city of Detroit. 374 00:19:59,834 --> 00:20:02,813 I'm sorry. I just... I wanted to win money. 375 00:20:02,837 --> 00:20:04,114 I never win anything. 376 00:20:04,138 --> 00:20:05,215 Whatever. 377 00:20:05,239 --> 00:20:06,972 Soldiers of fortune, drinks on me! 378 00:20:07,741 --> 00:20:09,453 [ALL CHEERING] 379 00:20:09,477 --> 00:20:11,243 Domestic, nothing imported. 380 00:20:14,014 --> 00:20:15,625 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa... 381 00:20:15,649 --> 00:20:19,218 Baby, are you sure you wanna shoot your whole wad? 382 00:20:19,753 --> 00:20:22,621 Uh... Tight. 383 00:20:24,091 --> 00:20:26,503 Vanessa. Wade. 384 00:20:26,527 --> 00:20:28,727 What's a nice place like you doing in a girl like this? 385 00:20:29,964 --> 00:20:31,230 I'd hit that. 386 00:20:32,600 --> 00:20:34,478 Buck, you best apologize before... 387 00:20:34,502 --> 00:20:36,880 [GASPS] Yeah, that. 388 00:20:36,904 --> 00:20:38,648 Say the magic words, Fat Gandalf. 389 00:20:38,672 --> 00:20:40,484 I'm sorry. Breathe through the nose. 390 00:20:40,508 --> 00:20:42,752 I don't have a filter between my brain and my... 391 00:20:42,776 --> 00:20:44,754 Let go. Okay. Hey, oh, oh, oh... 392 00:20:44,778 --> 00:20:45,856 Hakuna his tatas. He's sorry. 393 00:20:45,880 --> 00:20:47,190 I'm working on it. 394 00:20:47,214 --> 00:20:49,826 Get out of here. Go. Go cast a spell. 395 00:20:49,850 --> 00:20:52,251 Hey. Hands off the merchandise. 396 00:20:53,821 --> 00:20:55,232 Merchandise? Huh... 397 00:20:55,256 --> 00:20:57,834 So you, uh 398 00:20:57,858 --> 00:20:59,202 bump fuzzies for money? 399 00:20:59,226 --> 00:21:01,271 Yep. Rough childhood? 400 00:21:01,295 --> 00:21:02,539 Rougher than yours. 401 00:21:02,563 --> 00:21:04,708 Daddy left before I was born. 402 00:21:04,732 --> 00:21:06,231 Daddy left before I was conceived. 403 00:21:07,535 --> 00:21:09,079 Ever had a cigarette put out on your skin? 404 00:21:09,103 --> 00:21:10,580 Where else do you put one out? 405 00:21:10,604 --> 00:21:11,848 I was molested. 406 00:21:11,872 --> 00:21:13,650 Me too. Uncle. 407 00:21:13,674 --> 00:21:16,119 Uncles. They took turns. 408 00:21:16,143 --> 00:21:17,654 I watched my own birthday party 409 00:21:17,678 --> 00:21:18,855 through the keyhole of a locked closet 410 00:21:18,879 --> 00:21:20,257 which also happens to be my... 411 00:21:20,281 --> 00:21:23,126 Your bedroom. Lucky. I slept in a dishwasher box. 412 00:21:23,150 --> 00:21:25,729 [GASPS] You had a dishwasher. 413 00:21:25,753 --> 00:21:26,830 I didn't even know sleep. 414 00:21:26,854 --> 00:21:28,765 It was pretty much 24/7 ball gags, 415 00:21:28,789 --> 00:21:30,233 brownie mix and clown porn. 416 00:21:30,257 --> 00:21:31,723 [LAUGHS] 417 00:21:34,161 --> 00:21:35,627 Who would do such a thing? 418 00:21:37,097 --> 00:21:40,732 Hopefully you, later tonight? 419 00:21:43,337 --> 00:21:48,340 Hey, what can I get for, uh, $275 and a 420 00:21:49,643 --> 00:21:51,221 a Yogurtland rewards card? 421 00:21:51,245 --> 00:21:54,012 Baby, about 48 minutes of whatever the fuck you want. 422 00:21:55,316 --> 00:21:57,182 And a low-fat dessert. 423 00:22:04,124 --> 00:22:06,625 Did she just put a gift card in your mouth? 424 00:22:07,795 --> 00:22:09,928 It's time to put balls in holes. 425 00:22:10,898 --> 00:22:12,598 You said whatever I want. 426 00:22:13,100 --> 00:22:14,578 I get it. 427 00:22:14,602 --> 00:22:16,079 You love skee ball. 428 00:22:16,103 --> 00:22:18,348 Apparently more than you love vagina. 429 00:22:18,372 --> 00:22:20,817 That's a tough call. [SCOFFS] 430 00:22:20,841 --> 00:22:23,086 [STUTTERS] I just wanna get to know the real you, you know. 431 00:22:23,110 --> 00:22:25,088 Not the short-shorted, two-dimensional 432 00:22:25,112 --> 00:22:27,057 sex object peddled by Hollywood. 433 00:22:27,081 --> 00:22:28,124 [VANESSA] Balls in holes. 434 00:22:28,148 --> 00:22:29,192 [HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING] 435 00:22:29,216 --> 00:22:30,260 Balls in holes. 436 00:22:30,284 --> 00:22:31,895 Prepare to lose tragically. 437 00:22:31,919 --> 00:22:33,029 Bring it, big man. 438 00:22:33,053 --> 00:22:34,119 Okay. 439 00:22:36,390 --> 00:22:37,756 [MOCKING SCOOBY-DOO] Uh-oh. 440 00:22:38,158 --> 00:22:39,224 Uh-oh. 441 00:22:40,327 --> 00:22:41,905 The limited edition 442 00:22:41,929 --> 00:22:45,175 [VOLTRON] Defender of the Universe ring, por favor. 443 00:22:45,199 --> 00:22:48,745 Okay. Here we go. 444 00:22:48,769 --> 00:22:50,880 Had my eye on this sucker for a while. 445 00:22:50,904 --> 00:22:52,816 And I will take the pencil eraser. 446 00:22:52,840 --> 00:22:54,217 [BOY] Okay. 447 00:22:54,241 --> 00:22:57,120 You are now the protector of the planet Arus. 448 00:22:57,144 --> 00:22:59,122 And you can erase stuff 449 00:22:59,146 --> 00:23:00,890 written in pencil. 450 00:23:00,914 --> 00:23:02,258 M'lady? 451 00:23:02,282 --> 00:23:03,727 Well, I hate to break it to you, 452 00:23:03,751 --> 00:23:05,996 but your 48 minutes are up. 453 00:23:06,020 --> 00:23:08,898 Hey, how many more minutes can I get for this? 454 00:23:08,922 --> 00:23:11,334 FYI, five mini lion-bots come together 455 00:23:11,358 --> 00:23:13,770 to form one super-bot, so... 456 00:23:13,794 --> 00:23:16,873 Five mini lion-bots? Three minutes. 457 00:23:16,897 --> 00:23:18,541 Deal. 458 00:23:18,565 --> 00:23:20,805 What do we do with the remaining two minutes, 37 seconds? 459 00:23:21,035 --> 00:23:22,100 Cuddle? 460 00:23:22,703 --> 00:23:24,180 [MOANING] 461 00:23:24,204 --> 00:23:26,316 [POP MUSIC PLAYING] 462 00:23:26,340 --> 00:23:28,084 How long can you keep this up? 463 00:23:28,108 --> 00:23:29,419 All year? 464 00:23:29,443 --> 00:23:30,709 [CHUCKLES] 465 00:23:31,812 --> 00:23:33,412 [CONTINUES MOANING] 466 00:23:39,920 --> 00:23:41,853 Happy Valentine's Day. 467 00:23:49,329 --> 00:23:51,041 Happy Chinese New Year. 468 00:23:51,065 --> 00:23:52,397 Year of the Dog. 469 00:23:55,335 --> 00:23:56,401 [EXHALES] 470 00:23:57,471 --> 00:23:59,249 Relax. 471 00:23:59,273 --> 00:24:01,440 And Happy International Women's Day. 472 00:24:03,477 --> 00:24:04,743 [WHIP CRACKS] 473 00:24:05,979 --> 00:24:09,147 [GROANS] No. No. No. 474 00:24:11,385 --> 00:24:12,751 Happy Lent. 475 00:24:14,855 --> 00:24:16,466 [MOANING] 476 00:24:16,490 --> 00:24:17,867 Ow, ow. 477 00:24:17,891 --> 00:24:19,135 Wade? Sorry. 478 00:24:19,159 --> 00:24:20,737 Happy Halloween. 479 00:24:20,761 --> 00:24:21,871 Happy Halloween. 480 00:24:21,895 --> 00:24:22,961 [LAUGHS] 481 00:24:24,098 --> 00:24:25,964 [CONTINUES MOANING] 482 00:24:31,438 --> 00:24:33,305 Happy Thanksgiving. 483 00:24:35,242 --> 00:24:36,242 I love you. 484 00:24:40,247 --> 00:24:42,292 If your left leg is Thanksgiving, 485 00:24:42,316 --> 00:24:44,116 and your right leg is Christmas 486 00:24:45,319 --> 00:24:46,985 can I visit you between the holidays? 487 00:24:47,788 --> 00:24:48,865 [CHUCKLES] Oh! 488 00:24:48,889 --> 00:24:50,767 That sweater is terrible. 489 00:24:50,791 --> 00:24:51,868 [LAUGHS] 490 00:24:51,892 --> 00:24:53,303 But red looks good on you. 491 00:24:53,327 --> 00:24:54,738 Red's your colour. 492 00:24:54,762 --> 00:24:56,294 Brings out the bloodshot in your eyes. 493 00:24:57,197 --> 00:24:58,274 Listen, I've been thinking... 494 00:24:58,298 --> 00:25:00,110 Really? 495 00:25:00,134 --> 00:25:02,178 About why we're so good together. 496 00:25:02,202 --> 00:25:04,114 Why's that? 497 00:25:04,138 --> 00:25:08,118 Well, your crazy matches my crazy. Big time. 498 00:25:08,142 --> 00:25:10,053 Hmm. [CHUCKLES] 499 00:25:10,077 --> 00:25:11,788 And, uh, we're like two jigsaw pieces, 500 00:25:11,812 --> 00:25:13,389 you know, the weird curvy edges... 501 00:25:13,413 --> 00:25:15,881 You put them together and you can see the picture on top. 502 00:25:16,483 --> 00:25:17,816 Right. 503 00:25:18,218 --> 00:25:20,029 Wade 504 00:25:20,053 --> 00:25:22,465 there's something I've been meaning to ask you. 505 00:25:22,489 --> 00:25:25,157 But only because you haven't gotten around to asking me. 506 00:25:27,227 --> 00:25:28,360 Will you, uh 507 00:25:29,463 --> 00:25:31,429 stick it in my... Marry me? 508 00:25:33,167 --> 00:25:35,411 Uh... Jinx? 509 00:25:35,435 --> 00:25:37,280 Huh. 510 00:25:37,304 --> 00:25:38,448 Where were you hiding that? 511 00:25:38,472 --> 00:25:40,483 Nowhere. 512 00:25:40,507 --> 00:25:42,285 They say one month's salary. So, uh... 513 00:25:42,309 --> 00:25:43,319 You mean? 514 00:25:43,343 --> 00:25:44,387 I do. 515 00:25:44,411 --> 00:25:45,477 That's my line. 516 00:25:48,916 --> 00:25:51,294 I love you, Wade Wilson. 517 00:25:51,318 --> 00:25:52,796 You're supposed to... So that's a... 518 00:25:52,820 --> 00:25:54,252 Yes! Whoo! 519 00:25:54,988 --> 00:25:56,099 Yes! 520 00:25:56,123 --> 00:25:58,168 [LAUGHS] 521 00:25:58,192 --> 00:26:00,036 I feel just like a little girl. 522 00:26:00,060 --> 00:26:01,893 [CHUCKLES] [SIGHS] 523 00:26:04,998 --> 00:26:07,310 What if I just held on and never let go? 524 00:26:07,334 --> 00:26:10,046 Just ride a bitch's back, like Yoda on Luke. 525 00:26:10,070 --> 00:26:12,404 Oh, Star Wars jokes. 526 00:26:12,940 --> 00:26:14,172 Empire. 527 00:26:15,475 --> 00:26:16,920 Jesus Christ. 528 00:26:16,944 --> 00:26:18,922 It's like I made you in a computer. 529 00:26:18,946 --> 00:26:20,490 [MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO] 530 00:26:20,514 --> 00:26:21,580 Mmm. 531 00:26:23,083 --> 00:26:24,149 Hey. 532 00:26:25,152 --> 00:26:26,551 Perfect. [CAMERA CLICKS] 533 00:26:30,290 --> 00:26:31,935 Let's see. All right, wee break. 534 00:26:31,959 --> 00:26:33,225 Shake it, yeah. 535 00:26:37,898 --> 00:26:39,342 [SIGHS] 536 00:26:39,366 --> 00:26:40,977 [WADE] Here's the thing. 537 00:26:41,001 --> 00:26:42,946 Life is an endless series of train-wrecks 538 00:26:42,970 --> 00:26:47,350 with only brief, commercial-like breaks of happiness. 539 00:26:47,374 --> 00:26:50,153 This had been the ultimate commercial break. 540 00:26:50,177 --> 00:26:51,376 [TOILET FLUSHING] [SIGHS] 541 00:26:52,512 --> 00:26:53,990 Which meant it was time to return 542 00:26:54,014 --> 00:26:55,892 to our regularly scheduled program. 543 00:26:55,916 --> 00:26:57,627 What the... [THUDS] 544 00:26:57,651 --> 00:26:58,984 Oh, my God. Wade? 545 00:27:05,158 --> 00:27:06,970 You're clowning. 546 00:27:06,994 --> 00:27:08,571 You're not clowning? 547 00:27:08,595 --> 00:27:11,023 I sense clowns. 548 00:27:11,047 --> 00:27:13,476 People react to news of late-stage cancer differently. 549 00:27:13,500 --> 00:27:16,379 There are certainly options we can look into. 550 00:27:16,403 --> 00:27:18,270 New drugs are being developed every day. 551 00:27:22,676 --> 00:27:24,320 So what do we do? 552 00:27:24,344 --> 00:27:27,924 Surely there is something we can do. 553 00:27:27,948 --> 00:27:30,460 My uncle Ivan was diagnosed with thyroid cancer, 554 00:27:30,484 --> 00:27:33,062 and there were all these new experimental drugs from Germany. 555 00:27:33,086 --> 00:27:35,565 [WADE] Vanessa's already working on Plan A, B, 556 00:27:35,589 --> 00:27:37,567 all the way through Z. 557 00:27:37,591 --> 00:27:41,938 Me? I'm memorizing the details of her face. 558 00:27:41,962 --> 00:27:44,307 Like it's the first time I'm seeing it. 559 00:27:44,331 --> 00:27:45,441 Or the last. 560 00:27:45,465 --> 00:27:47,110 [DOCTOR] Mr. Wilson 561 00:27:47,134 --> 00:27:48,945 Mr. Wilson? 562 00:27:48,969 --> 00:27:52,215 Take your time to process this. 563 00:27:52,239 --> 00:27:54,239 It's important not to do anything rash. 564 00:28:00,480 --> 00:28:01,579 [WADE GRUNTS] 565 00:28:04,518 --> 00:28:05,595 [SIGHS LOUDLY] 566 00:28:05,619 --> 00:28:08,364 Now, if I were a 200-pound sack 567 00:28:08,388 --> 00:28:11,034 of assholes named Francis, where would I hide? 568 00:28:11,058 --> 00:28:13,058 [MOTORBIKE REVVING] 569 00:28:14,728 --> 00:28:15,994 Oh. 570 00:28:19,633 --> 00:28:20,699 [ENGINE ROARING] 571 00:28:21,635 --> 00:28:22,701 [GUN FIRING] 572 00:28:29,076 --> 00:28:30,141 [FRANCIS GRUNTS] 573 00:28:36,416 --> 00:28:38,328 [WADE] A hush falls over the crowd 574 00:28:38,352 --> 00:28:40,630 as rookie sensation Wade W. Wilson 575 00:28:40,654 --> 00:28:44,289 out of Regina, Saskatchewan, lines up the shot. 576 00:28:46,093 --> 00:28:47,692 His form looks good. 577 00:28:48,528 --> 00:28:49,672 Oh! 578 00:28:49,696 --> 00:28:54,210 And that's why Regina rhymes with fun. 579 00:28:54,234 --> 00:28:56,512 Ladies and gentlemen, what you're witnessing 580 00:28:56,536 --> 00:28:59,004 is sweet dick-kicking revenge. 581 00:28:59,773 --> 00:29:01,651 Oh! Giving him the business. 582 00:29:01,675 --> 00:29:03,987 Incoming! 583 00:29:04,011 --> 00:29:07,657 This is taking unsportsmanlike conduct to a whole new level! 584 00:29:07,681 --> 00:29:08,747 [FRANCIS GROANS] 585 00:29:13,120 --> 00:29:15,098 Looking good, Francis. Well rested. 586 00:29:15,122 --> 00:29:17,266 Like you've been pitching, not catching. 587 00:29:17,290 --> 00:29:19,324 Ringing any bells? No? 588 00:29:24,264 --> 00:29:25,497 How about now? 589 00:29:27,667 --> 00:29:29,412 [CHUCKLES SLOWLY] 590 00:29:29,436 --> 00:29:31,636 Wade fucking Wilson. 591 00:29:34,174 --> 00:29:36,301 [FRANCIS] Well, hello, gorgeous. 592 00:29:36,325 --> 00:29:38,454 [WADE] Yeah, like I got bit by a radioactive Shar-Pei. 593 00:29:38,478 --> 00:29:41,657 Yeah. And whose fault is that, huh, Francis? 594 00:29:41,681 --> 00:29:43,693 Yeah, time to undo what you did to this butter face. 595 00:29:43,717 --> 00:29:45,528 Please, you should thank me. 596 00:29:45,552 --> 00:29:47,163 Apparently, I made you immortal. 597 00:29:47,187 --> 00:29:48,698 I'm actually quite jealous. 598 00:29:48,722 --> 00:29:51,222 Yeah, but this ain't a life worth living, is it? 599 00:29:53,193 --> 00:29:54,804 Now, I'm about to do to you 600 00:29:54,828 --> 00:29:57,340 what Limp Bizkit did to music in the late 90s. 601 00:29:57,364 --> 00:29:58,496 [METAL CLANKS] 602 00:29:59,433 --> 00:30:00,498 Dad? 603 00:30:03,837 --> 00:30:06,582 [WADE] I think we can all agree that shit just went sideways 604 00:30:06,606 --> 00:30:08,540 in the most colossal way. 605 00:30:09,509 --> 00:30:12,055 Well, maybe not the most. 606 00:30:12,079 --> 00:30:15,780 [WADE] Uh... This is my most prized possession. 607 00:30:16,349 --> 00:30:17,427 [VANESSA] Wham? 608 00:30:17,451 --> 00:30:19,695 No, no, no. Wham! 609 00:30:19,719 --> 00:30:23,321 Make It Big is the album that George and Andy earned the exclamation point. 610 00:30:24,324 --> 00:30:25,835 So, am I supposed to just smile 611 00:30:25,859 --> 00:30:27,303 and wave you out the door? 612 00:30:27,327 --> 00:30:28,704 Think of it like spring cleaning. 613 00:30:28,728 --> 00:30:30,239 Only if spring was death. 614 00:30:30,263 --> 00:30:32,608 God, if I had a nickel for every time 615 00:30:32,632 --> 00:30:35,211 I spanked it to Bernadette Peters. 616 00:30:35,235 --> 00:30:37,447 Sounds like you do. [COINS JINGLING] 617 00:30:37,471 --> 00:30:39,382 Bernadette is not going anywhere, 618 00:30:39,406 --> 00:30:41,384 because you're not going anywhere. 619 00:30:41,408 --> 00:30:42,685 Drink. 620 00:30:42,709 --> 00:30:44,087 You're right. Cancer is only in my liver, 621 00:30:44,111 --> 00:30:45,388 lungs, prostate, and brain. 622 00:30:45,412 --> 00:30:46,644 All things I can live without. 623 00:30:47,747 --> 00:30:48,825 Ha. 624 00:30:48,849 --> 00:30:50,860 You belong here at home. 625 00:30:50,884 --> 00:30:52,495 Surrounded by your Voltron 626 00:30:52,519 --> 00:30:54,652 and your Bernadette, and your me. 627 00:30:55,856 --> 00:30:59,491 Listen, we both know that cancer is a shit-show. 628 00:31:01,161 --> 00:31:03,272 Like, a Yakov-Smirnoff- opening-for-the 629 00:31:03,296 --> 00:31:06,164 Spin-Doctors-at-the- Iowa-State-Fair shit-show. 630 00:31:08,168 --> 00:31:12,704 And under no circumstances will I take you to that show. 631 00:31:13,907 --> 00:31:15,707 I want you to remember me. 632 00:31:17,244 --> 00:31:19,122 Not the ghost of Christmas me. 633 00:31:19,146 --> 00:31:21,357 Well, I wanna remember us. 634 00:31:21,381 --> 00:31:23,792 I swear to God, I will find you in the next life, 635 00:31:23,816 --> 00:31:26,229 and I'm gonna boom-box Careless Whisper outside your window. 636 00:31:26,253 --> 00:31:27,652 Wham! 637 00:31:30,924 --> 00:31:34,192 No one is boom-boxing shit. Okay? 638 00:31:36,596 --> 00:31:38,196 We can fight this. 639 00:31:41,268 --> 00:31:44,247 Besides, I just realized something. 640 00:31:44,271 --> 00:31:46,582 You win. Your life is officially 641 00:31:46,606 --> 00:31:49,407 way more fucked up than mine. 642 00:31:50,610 --> 00:31:52,744 [WADE CHUCKLES] 643 00:31:53,680 --> 00:31:54,746 I love you. 644 00:31:58,952 --> 00:32:00,618 [MUSIC PLAYING] 645 00:32:06,426 --> 00:32:07,625 Wade. 646 00:32:09,696 --> 00:32:11,240 Weas. 647 00:32:11,264 --> 00:32:13,543 You look like you need a Blow Job and a shower. 648 00:32:13,567 --> 00:32:15,678 Though courtesy calls for the latter first. 649 00:32:15,702 --> 00:32:17,446 How about three shots of Patron? 650 00:32:17,470 --> 00:32:21,284 Or how about Triticum aestivum, wheat grass. 651 00:32:21,308 --> 00:32:22,618 Excellent for the immune system. 652 00:32:22,642 --> 00:32:24,720 Jesus Christ. You sound like Vanessa. 653 00:32:24,744 --> 00:32:27,105 Here, check it out. 654 00:32:27,129 --> 00:32:29,492 She's sending away for all these colourful clinic brochures. 655 00:32:29,516 --> 00:32:31,694 I'm sure they're all FDA approved. 656 00:32:31,718 --> 00:32:34,697 Chechnya. Isn't that where you go to get cancer? 657 00:32:34,721 --> 00:32:37,833 You got China and Central Mexico. 658 00:32:37,857 --> 00:32:40,303 You know how they say cancer in Spanish? 659 00:32:40,327 --> 00:32:41,837 No. 660 00:32:41,861 --> 00:32:43,573 El Cancer. Oh. 661 00:32:43,597 --> 00:32:45,841 I could have guessed that. 662 00:32:45,865 --> 00:32:47,410 Look how happy you look here. 663 00:32:47,434 --> 00:32:48,978 Mind if I keep this? Put it up, 664 00:32:49,002 --> 00:32:51,881 so I can remember when you looked alive. 665 00:32:51,905 --> 00:32:53,883 At least now I'm gonna win the dead pool. 666 00:32:53,907 --> 00:32:56,686 Now that you're gonna die tragically of cancer. 667 00:32:56,710 --> 00:32:58,588 I got it, Weas. Thanks. 668 00:32:58,612 --> 00:33:00,990 Oh. 669 00:33:01,014 --> 00:33:03,693 And, uh, that guy over there came in looking for you. 670 00:33:03,717 --> 00:33:06,629 Real Grim Reaper type. 671 00:33:06,653 --> 00:33:08,686 I don't know. Might further the plot. 672 00:33:12,692 --> 00:33:13,769 Boot he. 673 00:33:13,793 --> 00:33:14,959 Wade. 674 00:33:18,698 --> 00:33:20,243 [WADE SIGHS] 675 00:33:20,267 --> 00:33:21,677 Mr. Wilson. 676 00:33:21,701 --> 00:33:22,878 How can I help you? 677 00:33:22,902 --> 00:33:25,648 Besides luring children into a panel van. 678 00:33:25,672 --> 00:33:29,418 I understand you've recently been diagnosed with terminal cancer. 679 00:33:29,442 --> 00:33:30,586 Stalker alert. 680 00:33:30,610 --> 00:33:33,489 It's my job. Recruitment. 681 00:33:33,513 --> 00:33:36,926 I'm sorry you've had such a tough go. 682 00:33:36,950 --> 00:33:39,395 But you're a fighter. Special Forces. 683 00:33:39,419 --> 00:33:42,298 41 confirmed kills. 684 00:33:42,322 --> 00:33:43,666 One every seven weeks. 685 00:33:43,690 --> 00:33:46,702 Same rate most folks get a haircut. Hmm... 686 00:33:46,726 --> 00:33:47,970 It's to wash the taste out. 687 00:33:47,994 --> 00:33:51,540 It's tough to forget being so impressive. 688 00:33:51,564 --> 00:33:53,576 And now you spend your days 689 00:33:53,600 --> 00:33:55,578 sticking up for the little people... 690 00:33:55,602 --> 00:33:57,580 People change. What do you want? 691 00:33:57,604 --> 00:34:00,738 I represent an organization that may be able to help. 692 00:34:02,609 --> 00:34:06,822 What if I told you we can cure your cancer? 693 00:34:06,846 --> 00:34:11,015 And what's more, give you abilities most men only dream of? 694 00:34:14,688 --> 00:34:16,565 I'd say that you sound like an infomercial, 695 00:34:16,589 --> 00:34:18,734 but not a good one, like Slap Chop. 696 00:34:18,758 --> 00:34:20,469 More Shake Weight-y. 697 00:34:20,493 --> 00:34:23,539 The world needs extraordinary soldiers. 698 00:34:23,563 --> 00:34:25,675 We won't just make you better. 699 00:34:25,699 --> 00:34:28,766 We will make you better than better. 700 00:34:29,703 --> 00:34:31,347 A superhero. 701 00:34:31,371 --> 00:34:34,083 Look, Agent Smith, 702 00:34:34,107 --> 00:34:36,719 I tried the hero business and it left a mark. 703 00:34:36,743 --> 00:34:39,510 But if I ever hit fuck it, I'll look you up. 704 00:34:40,013 --> 00:34:41,757 Oh, um... 705 00:34:41,781 --> 00:34:43,459 Shit. We're within 500 yards of a school, 706 00:34:43,483 --> 00:34:44,716 so you may wanna... 707 00:34:49,656 --> 00:34:50,922 His drinks on him. 708 00:34:56,596 --> 00:34:58,407 [WEASEL] What did he say? 709 00:34:58,431 --> 00:34:59,664 [THUNDERCLAP] 710 00:35:00,667 --> 00:35:02,967 [SIREN WAILING IN DISTANCE] 711 00:35:08,908 --> 00:35:10,408 [SNIFFLES] 712 00:35:20,887 --> 00:35:22,598 [VANESSA] Hey, what's going on? 713 00:35:22,622 --> 00:35:25,022 [SNIFFLES] Hey. Sorry. 714 00:35:26,526 --> 00:35:29,405 I had a Liam Neeson nightmare. 715 00:35:29,429 --> 00:35:30,873 I dreamt I kidnapped his daughter 716 00:35:30,897 --> 00:35:32,630 and he just wasn't having it. 717 00:35:40,173 --> 00:35:45,488 Hey, uh, they've made three of those movies. 718 00:35:45,512 --> 00:35:48,691 At some point you have to wonder if he's just a bad parent. 719 00:35:48,715 --> 00:35:49,781 Hmm. 720 00:36:02,962 --> 00:36:06,942 [WADE] The worst part about cancer isn't what it does to you, 721 00:36:06,966 --> 00:36:10,079 but what it does to the people you love. 722 00:36:10,103 --> 00:36:12,782 Who knew if this guy could save my life, 723 00:36:12,806 --> 00:36:15,918 but I knew there was only one way that I could save hers. 724 00:36:15,942 --> 00:36:17,475 [DOOR CLOSES] 725 00:36:19,679 --> 00:36:21,946 Isn't that what superheroes do? 726 00:36:25,452 --> 00:36:26,517 [CARS HONKING] 727 00:36:29,889 --> 00:36:31,155 [PHONE RINGING] 728 00:36:34,160 --> 00:36:38,496 [WADE] Okay. Let's pro-con this superhero thing. 729 00:36:38,965 --> 00:36:40,142 [THUDS] Ow. 730 00:36:40,166 --> 00:36:43,112 Pro: They pull down a gaggle of ass. 731 00:36:43,136 --> 00:36:44,680 Local dry cleaning discounts. 732 00:36:44,704 --> 00:36:46,549 Lucrative film deals, both origin stories 733 00:36:46,573 --> 00:36:48,717 and larger ensemble team movies. 734 00:36:48,741 --> 00:36:51,821 Con: They're all lame-ass teacher's pets. 735 00:36:51,845 --> 00:36:53,689 You know, I can hear you. 736 00:36:53,713 --> 00:36:56,659 I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to them. 737 00:36:56,683 --> 00:36:58,961 Stay right here. 738 00:36:58,985 --> 00:37:01,230 [COLOSSUS] You've been warned before, Dead pool. 739 00:37:01,254 --> 00:37:04,967 This is a shameful and reckless use of your powers. 740 00:37:04,991 --> 00:37:07,102 You will both be coming with us. 741 00:37:07,126 --> 00:37:09,038 [WADE] Look, Colossus, I don't have time for 742 00:37:09,062 --> 00:37:11,140 the goody two-shoes bullshit right now! 743 00:37:11,164 --> 00:37:13,097 And you are? 744 00:37:14,734 --> 00:37:16,612 Negasonic Teenage Warhead. 745 00:37:16,636 --> 00:37:20,015 Negasonic Teenage... What the shit? 746 00:37:20,039 --> 00:37:21,939 That's the coolest name ever! 747 00:37:23,276 --> 00:37:25,988 So, what, you're like, uh, his sidekick? 748 00:37:26,012 --> 00:37:27,623 No. Trainee. 749 00:37:27,647 --> 00:37:29,024 Let me guess. 750 00:37:29,048 --> 00:37:31,660 X-Men left you behind on what? Shit detail? 751 00:37:31,684 --> 00:37:33,411 What does that make you? 752 00:37:33,435 --> 00:37:35,164 Pretending you're not here, Negasonic Teenage Warhead. 753 00:37:35,188 --> 00:37:36,632 Can we trade names? 754 00:37:36,656 --> 00:37:38,133 [FRANCIS GROANS] Can we go? 755 00:37:38,157 --> 00:37:40,669 [WADE] Look! I'm a teenage girl. 756 00:37:40,693 --> 00:37:42,872 I'd rather be anywhere than here. 757 00:37:42,896 --> 00:37:45,074 I'm all about long sullen silences 758 00:37:45,098 --> 00:37:49,011 followed by mean comments, followed by more silences. 759 00:37:49,035 --> 00:37:52,248 So what's it gonna be, huh? Long sullen silence, 760 00:37:52,272 --> 00:37:54,972 or mean comment? Go on. 761 00:37:56,175 --> 00:37:57,520 You got me in a box here. 762 00:37:57,544 --> 00:37:58,621 Aha! 763 00:37:58,645 --> 00:38:00,623 We can't allow this, Dead pool. 764 00:38:00,647 --> 00:38:02,024 Please, come quietly. 765 00:38:02,048 --> 00:38:04,293 You big chrome cock-gobbler! 766 00:38:04,317 --> 00:38:05,744 [COLOSSUS] That's not nice. 767 00:38:05,768 --> 00:38:07,196 You're really gonna fuck this up for me? 768 00:38:07,220 --> 00:38:11,767 Trust me, that wheezing bag of dick-tips has it coming. 769 00:38:11,791 --> 00:38:14,703 He's pure evil. 770 00:38:14,727 --> 00:38:18,029 Besides... Nobody's getting hurt. 771 00:38:19,666 --> 00:38:20,731 [THUDS] 772 00:38:23,202 --> 00:38:25,581 That guy was already up there when I got here. 773 00:38:25,605 --> 00:38:28,817 Wade, you are better than this. 774 00:38:28,841 --> 00:38:31,186 Join us. Use your powers for good. 775 00:38:31,210 --> 00:38:32,254 [WADE] Heads up. 776 00:38:32,278 --> 00:38:33,722 Be a superhero. 777 00:38:33,746 --> 00:38:35,490 [WADE] Listen! 778 00:38:35,514 --> 00:38:37,259 The day I decide to become a crime-fighting shit-swizzler 779 00:38:37,283 --> 00:38:40,663 who rooms with a bunch of other little whiners at the Never land mansion 780 00:38:40,687 --> 00:38:45,601 of some creepy, old, bald, Heaven's Gate-looking motherfucker 781 00:38:45,625 --> 00:38:47,269 on that day 782 00:38:47,293 --> 00:38:49,672 I'll send your shiny, happy ass a friend request. 783 00:38:49,696 --> 00:38:52,141 But until then, I'mma do what I came here to do. 784 00:38:52,165 --> 00:38:54,944 Either that or slap the bitch outta you! 785 00:38:54,968 --> 00:38:56,211 [COLOSSUS] Wade... Hey. 786 00:38:56,235 --> 00:38:57,580 Zip it, Sinead! 787 00:38:57,604 --> 00:38:58,647 Hey, douche-pool! 788 00:38:58,671 --> 00:38:59,949 And I hope you're watching... 789 00:38:59,973 --> 00:39:02,017 [MOTORBIKE REVVING] 790 00:39:02,041 --> 00:39:03,674 [GASPS LOUDLY] 791 00:39:04,711 --> 00:39:06,377 Quite unfortunate. 792 00:39:09,849 --> 00:39:12,161 That does it! 793 00:39:12,185 --> 00:39:13,362 [METAL CLANKS] 794 00:39:13,386 --> 00:39:14,830 Oh! 795 00:39:14,854 --> 00:39:17,922 [GROANS] Canada! 796 00:39:19,058 --> 00:39:20,102 That's not good. 797 00:39:20,126 --> 00:39:21,270 [COLOSSUS] Wade, please. 798 00:39:21,294 --> 00:39:24,173 [WADE] Cock shot! [GROANS] 799 00:39:24,197 --> 00:39:26,008 Oh, your poor wife. 800 00:39:26,032 --> 00:39:28,243 You really should stop. 801 00:39:28,267 --> 00:39:29,700 [GROANING] 802 00:39:31,337 --> 00:39:33,938 All the dinosaurs feared the T. rex. 803 00:39:35,308 --> 00:39:36,974 [WADE SCREAMS] 804 00:39:37,276 --> 00:39:38,821 [LAUGHS] 805 00:39:38,845 --> 00:39:40,756 [WADE] I promise this gets worse for you, big boy! 806 00:39:40,780 --> 00:39:42,725 This is embarrassing. [GROANS] 807 00:39:42,749 --> 00:39:45,394 Please, stay down. 808 00:39:45,418 --> 00:39:47,997 [WADE] You ever hear of the one-legged man in the ass-kicking contest? 809 00:39:48,021 --> 00:39:49,398 Do you have off switch? 810 00:39:49,422 --> 00:39:51,166 Yeah, it's right next to the prostate. 811 00:39:51,190 --> 00:39:52,301 Or is that the on switch? 812 00:39:52,325 --> 00:39:54,403 Enough! [GLASS SHATTERS] 813 00:39:54,427 --> 00:39:56,171 [LAUGHS] 814 00:39:56,195 --> 00:39:57,828 [GROANING] 815 00:40:03,036 --> 00:40:05,280 [COLOSSUS] Let us go talk to the Professor. 816 00:40:05,304 --> 00:40:07,149 McAvoy or Stewart? 817 00:40:07,173 --> 00:40:09,407 These timelines are so confusing. 818 00:40:10,810 --> 00:40:13,355 Dead or alive, you're coming with me! 819 00:40:13,379 --> 00:40:15,224 [COLOSSUS] You will recover, Wade. 820 00:40:15,248 --> 00:40:16,947 You always do. 821 00:40:21,354 --> 00:40:24,989 You ever see 127 Hours? Spoiler alert. 822 00:40:25,925 --> 00:40:27,258 [SQUISHING NOISE] 823 00:40:28,695 --> 00:40:29,860 Oh, my God. 824 00:40:34,000 --> 00:40:34,642 Nasty. 825 00:40:34,666 --> 00:40:35,310 [WADE] Oh, there's the money shot, baby. 826 00:40:35,334 --> 00:40:36,712 [RETCHING] 827 00:40:36,736 --> 00:40:38,469 Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret. 828 00:40:44,077 --> 00:40:45,142 [TRUCK HORN HONKS] 829 00:40:49,449 --> 00:40:52,327 [WADE] Rock, meet bottom. 830 00:40:52,351 --> 00:40:55,764 And when life ends up breathtakingly fucked 831 00:40:55,788 --> 00:40:59,968 you can generally trace it back to one big, bad decision. 832 00:40:59,992 --> 00:41:03,172 The one that sent you down the road to Shitsburgh. 833 00:41:03,196 --> 00:41:06,875 This? Well, this was mine. 834 00:41:06,899 --> 00:41:09,745 AGENT SMITH: Mr. Wilson. 835 00:41:09,769 --> 00:41:14,183 Nothing warms my heart more than a change of someone else's. 836 00:41:14,207 --> 00:41:16,040 You finally hit fuck it. 837 00:41:17,110 --> 00:41:19,822 Just promise you'll do right by me. 838 00:41:19,846 --> 00:41:21,890 So I can do right by someone else. 839 00:41:21,914 --> 00:41:23,792 Of course. 840 00:41:23,816 --> 00:41:25,516 And please don't make the super-suit green. 841 00:41:26,853 --> 00:41:28,319 Or animated. 842 00:41:30,123 --> 00:41:32,757 [MAN CHOKING] 843 00:41:34,861 --> 00:41:36,371 [MAN] Move it! Keep moving. 844 00:41:36,395 --> 00:41:37,995 [PATIENT SCREAMING] 845 00:41:48,407 --> 00:41:51,320 This place seems sanitary. 846 00:41:51,344 --> 00:41:53,522 My first request is warmer hands. 847 00:41:53,546 --> 00:41:57,448 Oh! And, Jesus, a warmer table. 848 00:41:59,018 --> 00:42:01,196 We should really come up with a safe word, fellas. 849 00:42:01,220 --> 00:42:03,154 I'm thinking pork and beans. 850 00:42:06,425 --> 00:42:08,559 [GROANS] Easy. 851 00:42:10,496 --> 00:42:12,963 Aren't you a little strong for a lady? 852 00:42:13,533 --> 00:42:15,244 I'm calling wang. 853 00:42:15,268 --> 00:42:17,168 [BREATHING HEAVILY] 854 00:42:18,971 --> 00:42:20,349 What's up with the matches? 855 00:42:20,373 --> 00:42:23,285 Oral fixation or just a big Stallone fan? 856 00:42:23,309 --> 00:42:24,553 [MUFFLED GROAN] 857 00:42:24,577 --> 00:42:26,076 Patience, Angel. 858 00:42:26,979 --> 00:42:28,557 All in good time. 859 00:42:28,581 --> 00:42:30,581 Are you here for the turn down service, or what? 860 00:42:32,185 --> 00:42:33,728 We have another talker. 861 00:42:33,752 --> 00:42:35,297 I'm just excited about my first day at superhero camp. 862 00:42:35,321 --> 00:42:37,521 Shut the fuck up. 863 00:42:40,860 --> 00:42:42,893 Mr. Wilson, my name's Ajax. 864 00:42:43,863 --> 00:42:46,975 I manage this workshop. 865 00:42:46,999 --> 00:42:50,245 Ah, my welcome speech used to be full of euphemisms like... 866 00:42:50,269 --> 00:42:51,880 This may hurt a little. 867 00:42:51,904 --> 00:42:53,949 This may cause you some discomfort. 868 00:42:53,973 --> 00:42:56,251 But I've grown blunt. 869 00:42:56,275 --> 00:42:58,987 This workshop is not a government-led program. 870 00:42:59,011 --> 00:43:02,524 It's a private institution that turns reclamation projects like yourself 871 00:43:02,548 --> 00:43:06,083 into men of extraordinary abilities. 872 00:43:07,553 --> 00:43:11,021 But if you think super-human powers are acquired painlessly... 873 00:43:11,891 --> 00:43:13,268 Wrong. [GROANS] 874 00:43:13,292 --> 00:43:14,937 I'm injecting you with a serum 875 00:43:14,961 --> 00:43:17,539 that activates any mutant genes lurking in your DNA. 876 00:43:17,563 --> 00:43:21,565 For it to work we need to subject you to extreme stress. 877 00:43:24,904 --> 00:43:27,049 [WADE GROANING] 878 00:43:27,073 --> 00:43:31,086 You've heard that whole make an omelet, break some eggs bit, right? 879 00:43:31,110 --> 00:43:33,555 I'm about to hurt you, Wade. 880 00:43:33,579 --> 00:43:36,625 I was a patient here once myself, you know. 881 00:43:36,649 --> 00:43:39,494 The treatment affects everyone differently. 882 00:43:39,518 --> 00:43:42,631 It made Angel inhumanly strong. 883 00:43:42,655 --> 00:43:47,236 In my case, it enhanced my reflexes. 884 00:43:47,260 --> 00:43:50,294 Also scorched my nerve endings, so I no longer feel pain. 885 00:43:51,998 --> 00:43:55,933 And, in fact, I no longer feel anything. 886 00:43:57,270 --> 00:43:58,936 [MUMBLING] 887 00:44:04,277 --> 00:44:07,322 Thanks! Thank you. Thank you. 888 00:44:07,346 --> 00:44:10,058 You have something in your teeth. 889 00:44:10,082 --> 00:44:12,261 Right in the middle there. Just, I don't... 890 00:44:12,285 --> 00:44:15,364 A little nugget of romaine lettuce or something. 891 00:44:15,388 --> 00:44:17,199 [SIGHS] 892 00:44:17,223 --> 00:44:19,668 It's been bothering me for a long time. 893 00:44:19,692 --> 00:44:21,103 [LAUGHS] 894 00:44:21,127 --> 00:44:22,371 Ah, made you look. 895 00:44:22,395 --> 00:44:24,139 Hey, is Ajax your actual name? 896 00:44:24,163 --> 00:44:25,974 Because it sounds suspiciously made up. 897 00:44:25,998 --> 00:44:27,109 What is it, really? 898 00:44:27,133 --> 00:44:29,378 Kevin? Bruce? Scott? 899 00:44:29,402 --> 00:44:31,680 Mitch? The Rickster? 900 00:44:31,704 --> 00:44:33,548 [in British accent] Is it Basil Fawlty? 901 00:44:33,572 --> 00:44:35,517 Oh, joke away. 902 00:44:35,541 --> 00:44:37,019 One thing that never survives this place 903 00:44:37,043 --> 00:44:39,021 is a sense of humour. 904 00:44:39,045 --> 00:44:40,188 We'll see about that. 905 00:44:40,212 --> 00:44:41,578 I suppose we will. 906 00:44:43,049 --> 00:44:44,526 He's all yours. 907 00:44:44,550 --> 00:44:46,295 Oh, come on. 908 00:44:46,319 --> 00:44:47,696 You're gonna leave me all alone here. 909 00:44:47,720 --> 00:44:49,486 With less-angry Rosie O'Donnell? 910 00:44:50,056 --> 00:44:51,121 [GROANS] 911 00:44:53,726 --> 00:44:56,004 [FRANCIS] This is how it's going to work. 912 00:44:56,028 --> 00:44:59,508 Adrenaline acts as a catalyst for the serum, 913 00:44:59,532 --> 00:45:02,199 so we're going to have to make you suffer. 914 00:45:03,736 --> 00:45:05,714 [FRANCIS] If you're lucky, the mutant genes will activate 915 00:45:05,738 --> 00:45:08,672 and manifest in a spectacular fashion. 916 00:45:09,675 --> 00:45:10,741 [GASPS] 917 00:45:13,045 --> 00:45:15,724 [FRANCIS] If not, well, we'll have to keep on hurting you... 918 00:45:15,748 --> 00:45:17,559 [WADE SHIVERING] 919 00:45:17,583 --> 00:45:18,994 In new and different ways, 920 00:45:19,018 --> 00:45:20,417 each more painful than the last 921 00:45:23,089 --> 00:45:25,422 until you finally mutate. 922 00:45:27,059 --> 00:45:28,292 Or die. 923 00:45:35,101 --> 00:45:36,611 [CUNNINGHAM] You mean a bucket list? 924 00:45:36,635 --> 00:45:39,081 [WADE] Like a fuck-it list. 925 00:45:39,105 --> 00:45:40,349 I'd really like to light a spliff 926 00:45:40,373 --> 00:45:42,284 off the Olympic torch. 927 00:45:42,308 --> 00:45:44,219 [CUNNINGHAM] Pass it to me right after. 928 00:45:44,243 --> 00:45:47,622 Let's not forget naked tandem base-jumping 929 00:45:47,646 --> 00:45:51,226 with the WNBA's Sacramento Monarchs. 930 00:45:51,250 --> 00:45:54,730 Anything on my bucket list would involve public nudity. 931 00:45:54,754 --> 00:45:58,066 Finally, giving Meredith Baxter-Birney a Dutch oven. 932 00:45:58,090 --> 00:46:01,258 No. Receiving a Dutch oven from Meredith Baxter-Birney. 933 00:46:01,660 --> 00:46:03,193 [LAUGHS] 934 00:46:05,731 --> 00:46:09,333 Making banana pancakes for my kids. 935 00:46:12,638 --> 00:46:14,738 Vanessa. 936 00:46:18,277 --> 00:46:20,589 [WADE] I wanna see Vanessa. 937 00:46:20,613 --> 00:46:22,124 [FRANCIS] You're lovely. 938 00:46:22,148 --> 00:46:25,494 I don't know about anyone else, but I'm touched. 939 00:46:25,518 --> 00:46:26,528 We were just joking. 940 00:46:26,552 --> 00:46:29,086 No, no. It's okay. 941 00:46:30,156 --> 00:46:32,501 I encourage distractions. 942 00:46:32,525 --> 00:46:34,803 Wouldn't want you giving up on us, now would we? 943 00:46:34,827 --> 00:46:36,760 Hey, don't take any shit from him, Cunningham. 944 00:46:37,696 --> 00:46:40,208 How tough can he be 945 00:46:40,232 --> 00:46:43,233 with a name like Francis? 946 00:46:43,636 --> 00:46:45,147 Francis? 947 00:46:45,171 --> 00:46:47,149 [WADE] That's his legal name. 948 00:46:47,173 --> 00:46:50,641 [CHUCKLING] He got Ajax from the dish soap. 949 00:46:52,578 --> 00:46:56,346 F, R, A, N, C, I... 950 00:46:56,649 --> 00:46:58,215 Oops! 951 00:46:59,785 --> 00:47:02,753 Snagged the dry cleaning tag off your lab coat. 952 00:47:04,590 --> 00:47:07,169 FYI, I could probably get you the superhero discount. 953 00:47:07,193 --> 00:47:08,537 You are so relentlessly annoying. 954 00:47:08,561 --> 00:47:09,571 Thanks. 955 00:47:09,595 --> 00:47:11,206 Never heard that before. 956 00:47:11,230 --> 00:47:14,276 Why don't you do us all a favour and shut the fuck up? 957 00:47:14,300 --> 00:47:16,366 Or I'll sew your pretty mouth shut. 958 00:47:16,669 --> 00:47:18,113 Oh 959 00:47:18,137 --> 00:47:19,714 I wouldn't do that if I were you. 960 00:47:19,738 --> 00:47:21,349 See, here's the problem with 961 00:47:21,373 --> 00:47:23,185 round-the-clock torture 962 00:47:23,209 --> 00:47:26,243 is that you can't really step it up from there. 963 00:47:28,681 --> 00:47:31,215 Is that what you think? 964 00:47:36,355 --> 00:47:38,822 If this doesn't unlock your mutation, then, well 965 00:47:39,625 --> 00:47:41,403 nothing will. 966 00:47:41,427 --> 00:47:42,920 Now, what we're going to do is 967 00:47:42,944 --> 00:47:44,439 lower the oxygen concentration in the air 968 00:47:44,463 --> 00:47:47,342 to the exact point you feel like you're suffocating. 969 00:47:47,366 --> 00:47:48,610 If your brainwaves slow, 970 00:47:48,634 --> 00:47:51,213 meaning you're about to pass out 971 00:47:51,237 --> 00:47:52,436 then we'll turn up the O2. 972 00:47:53,372 --> 00:47:54,749 If your heart rate slows 973 00:47:54,773 --> 00:47:57,552 meaning you're able to catch your breath 974 00:47:57,576 --> 00:47:59,554 we'll turn it back down. 975 00:47:59,578 --> 00:48:01,223 And that's where we'll leave you. 976 00:48:01,247 --> 00:48:03,592 Right there. 977 00:48:03,616 --> 00:48:05,861 Oh, and I thought you guys were dicks before. 978 00:48:05,885 --> 00:48:09,197 [FRANCIS] You know the funniest part of this? 979 00:48:09,221 --> 00:48:12,367 You still think we're making you a superhero. 980 00:48:12,391 --> 00:48:15,826 You. A dish on our able discharge. 981 00:48:16,529 --> 00:48:18,662 Hip-deep in hookers. 982 00:48:19,365 --> 00:48:20,931 You're nothing. 983 00:48:21,800 --> 00:48:24,246 Little secret, Wade. 984 00:48:24,270 --> 00:48:26,181 This workshop doesn't make superheroes, 985 00:48:26,205 --> 00:48:29,384 we make super-slaves. 986 00:48:29,408 --> 00:48:31,219 We're gonna fit you with a control collar 987 00:48:31,243 --> 00:48:33,788 and auction you off to the highest bidder. 988 00:48:33,812 --> 00:48:36,191 Who knows what they'll have you doing? 989 00:48:36,215 --> 00:48:39,616 Terrorizing citizens, putting down freedom fighters. 990 00:48:41,687 --> 00:48:44,933 Maybe just mow the occasional lawn. 991 00:48:44,957 --> 00:48:47,624 What the fuck is wrong with you? 992 00:48:52,765 --> 00:48:55,644 You're never going home after this. 993 00:48:55,668 --> 00:48:57,901 Now there's a brave face. 994 00:48:58,837 --> 00:49:00,571 Wait, wait! Wait. Wait. 995 00:49:02,775 --> 00:49:06,777 Seriously, you actually have something in your teeth now. 996 00:49:08,647 --> 00:49:10,425 Enjoy your weekend. 997 00:49:10,449 --> 00:49:12,227 Weekend? Back up. 998 00:49:12,251 --> 00:49:13,483 Weekend? 999 00:49:14,286 --> 00:49:15,886 [MACHINE HISSING] 1000 00:49:18,791 --> 00:49:20,368 [GASPING] 1001 00:49:20,392 --> 00:49:21,992 [CHOKING] 1002 00:49:30,469 --> 00:49:32,269 [EKG BEEPING] 1003 00:49:34,807 --> 00:49:36,473 [CHOKING] [EKG BEEPING RAPIDLY] 1004 00:49:54,994 --> 00:49:57,272 [WADE] Did I say this was a love story? 1005 00:49:57,296 --> 00:49:59,696 No, it's a horror movie. 1006 00:50:00,366 --> 00:50:01,898 [SCREAMING] 1007 00:50:11,877 --> 00:50:14,511 [GASPING] 1008 00:50:16,048 --> 00:50:18,360 [FRANCIS] Fucking hell. 1009 00:50:18,384 --> 00:50:21,630 Looks like someone lost his shot at Homecoming King. 1010 00:50:21,654 --> 00:50:23,765 What have you done to me? 1011 00:50:23,789 --> 00:50:25,300 I've merely raised your stress levels 1012 00:50:25,324 --> 00:50:27,035 high enough to trigger a mutation. 1013 00:50:27,059 --> 00:50:29,904 You sadistic fuck! 1014 00:50:29,928 --> 00:50:32,374 I've cured you, Wade. 1015 00:50:32,398 --> 00:50:35,010 Now your mutated cells can heal anything. 1016 00:50:35,034 --> 00:50:37,868 It's attacking your cancer as fast as it can form. 1017 00:50:39,038 --> 00:50:41,738 Yeah, I've seen similar side-effects before. 1018 00:50:42,941 --> 00:50:44,007 I could cure them, 1019 00:50:47,646 --> 00:50:49,446 but where's the fun in that? 1020 00:50:51,650 --> 00:50:54,351 Now, I'm gonna shut you in again, Wade. 1021 00:50:55,921 --> 00:50:57,954 Not because I need to. 1022 00:51:01,827 --> 00:51:03,694 Because I want to. 1023 00:51:05,431 --> 00:51:07,564 [BREATHING HEAVILY] 1024 00:51:17,976 --> 00:51:19,554 Oh, well. 1025 00:51:19,578 --> 00:51:20,811 Go ahead. 1026 00:51:23,782 --> 00:51:25,649 Oh, you smell like shit. 1027 00:51:26,819 --> 00:51:28,830 [GRUNTS] Whoa! [LAUGHS] 1028 00:51:28,854 --> 00:51:30,799 ANGEL DUST: Motherfucker. 1029 00:51:30,823 --> 00:51:32,789 Hey, hey, hey. It's all right, it's all right. 1030 00:51:33,826 --> 00:51:35,804 I think we owe him that one, yeah? 1031 00:51:35,828 --> 00:51:38,395 You take off. Go on. 1032 00:51:38,964 --> 00:51:40,497 Off you go. 1033 00:51:51,443 --> 00:51:53,009 Quick question. 1034 00:51:55,147 --> 00:51:57,414 What's my name? 1035 00:52:02,988 --> 00:52:04,521 Didn't think so. 1036 00:52:06,158 --> 00:52:09,003 [WADE] Sorry, Francis. My lips are sealed. 1037 00:52:09,027 --> 00:52:10,660 [GROANING] 1038 00:52:25,010 --> 00:52:27,177 [BREATHING HEAVILY] 1039 00:52:57,943 --> 00:52:59,142 [EXPLODING] 1040 00:53:08,921 --> 00:53:11,621 [MEN SCREAMING IN THE DISTANCE] 1041 00:53:14,226 --> 00:53:15,870 [INDISTINCT SHOUTING] 1042 00:53:15,894 --> 00:53:17,494 [MAN COUGHING] 1043 00:53:31,210 --> 00:53:32,476 [BOTH GRUNTING] 1044 00:53:43,722 --> 00:53:45,255 [GROANS] 1045 00:53:48,260 --> 00:53:49,526 [GRUNTING] 1046 00:54:00,138 --> 00:54:01,204 [GROANING] 1047 00:54:05,544 --> 00:54:06,855 You don't want to kill me. 1048 00:54:06,879 --> 00:54:09,190 I'm the only one who can fix your ugly mug. 1049 00:54:09,214 --> 00:54:10,780 [GRUNTING] 1050 00:54:19,758 --> 00:54:21,102 [LAUGHS] 1051 00:54:21,126 --> 00:54:22,692 [GRUNTING] 1052 00:54:24,897 --> 00:54:26,830 [GROANING] 1053 00:54:45,183 --> 00:54:46,583 [GRUNTS LOUDLY] 1054 00:54:47,586 --> 00:54:49,085 [RETCHING] 1055 00:54:50,055 --> 00:54:51,988 [GRUNTS AND LAUGHS] 1056 00:54:55,260 --> 00:54:56,993 [GRUNTING] 1057 00:54:59,765 --> 00:55:01,798 [WADE BREATHING HEAVILY] 1058 00:55:05,938 --> 00:55:07,604 What's my name? 1059 00:55:13,679 --> 00:55:14,878 [CUNNINGHAM] Wade. 1060 00:56:14,706 --> 00:56:15,939 [GROANS] 1061 00:56:22,114 --> 00:56:25,215 [WADE] I didn't just get the cure to el cancer 1062 00:56:26,752 --> 00:56:29,352 I got the cure to el everything. 1063 00:56:33,025 --> 00:56:35,236 But there was only one thing 1064 00:56:35,260 --> 00:56:37,027 that really mattered. 1065 00:56:39,965 --> 00:56:42,699 [INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS] 1066 00:56:48,707 --> 00:56:50,206 [THUNDER RUMBLING] 1067 00:56:58,316 --> 00:57:00,717 [INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS] 1068 00:57:01,987 --> 00:57:03,086 [INFANT CRYING] 1069 00:57:06,324 --> 00:57:07,390 [WOMAN] Come on, let's go. 1070 00:57:12,864 --> 00:57:15,699 [WOMAN] Oh, that must hurt. 1071 00:57:16,435 --> 00:57:18,913 Thank you so much. 1072 00:57:18,937 --> 00:57:20,937 [INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS CONTINUE] 1073 00:57:29,948 --> 00:57:32,160 God, he's so fucking gnarly. 1074 00:57:32,184 --> 00:57:33,728 [WOMAN] Look at his face. 1075 00:57:33,752 --> 00:57:36,064 [MAN] Oh, my God. Poor guy. 1076 00:57:36,088 --> 00:57:37,198 [FEMALE PEDESTRIAN] Honey, don't stare. 1077 00:57:37,222 --> 00:57:38,466 [MALE PEDESTRIAN] Freak. 1078 00:57:38,490 --> 00:57:39,801 [INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS] 1079 00:57:39,825 --> 00:57:41,024 [BREATHING HEAVILY] 1080 00:57:58,844 --> 00:58:02,323 No way. I'm not making her life as ugly as mine. 1081 00:58:02,347 --> 00:58:04,992 Come on, Wade, it can't be that bad. 1082 00:58:05,016 --> 00:58:07,361 Ah, bullshit! 1083 00:58:07,385 --> 00:58:09,731 I'm a monster inside and out. I belong in a fucking circus. 1084 00:58:09,755 --> 00:58:12,266 Wade, Vanessa loves you. She doesn't care what you... 1085 00:58:12,290 --> 00:58:14,001 Oh! Oh. 1086 00:58:14,025 --> 00:58:15,169 Do you like what you see? 1087 00:58:15,193 --> 00:58:16,904 No. 1088 00:58:16,928 --> 00:58:18,372 You look like an avocado 1089 00:58:18,396 --> 00:58:20,942 had sex with an older, more disgusting avocado. 1090 00:58:20,966 --> 00:58:22,110 Yeah. 1091 00:58:22,134 --> 00:58:24,178 Not gently. Like it was hate-fucking. 1092 00:58:24,202 --> 00:58:26,114 There was something wrong with the relationship, 1093 00:58:26,138 --> 00:58:28,049 and that was the only catharsis 1094 00:58:28,073 --> 00:58:29,951 that they could find without violence. 1095 00:58:29,975 --> 00:58:32,353 And the only guy who can fix this fugly mug 1096 00:58:32,377 --> 00:58:35,189 is the British shit stick who ran the mutant factory. 1097 00:58:35,213 --> 00:58:37,125 And he's gone. Poof! 1098 00:58:37,149 --> 00:58:38,960 Yeah, well you gotta do something to remedy this 1099 00:58:38,984 --> 00:58:40,094 because as of now, 1100 00:58:40,118 --> 00:58:41,996 you only have one course of action. 1101 00:58:42,020 --> 00:58:43,231 Damn straight. 1102 00:58:43,255 --> 00:58:45,099 Find Francis. Star in horror films. 1103 00:58:45,123 --> 00:58:46,200 What? 1104 00:58:46,224 --> 00:58:48,269 Star in your own horror films. 1105 00:58:48,293 --> 00:58:49,871 Because you look like Freddy Krueger 1106 00:58:49,895 --> 00:58:53,107 face-fucked a topographical map of Utah. 1107 00:58:53,131 --> 00:58:54,976 Here's what I'm actually gonna do. 1108 00:58:55,000 --> 00:58:56,110 I'm gonna work through his crew 1109 00:58:56,134 --> 00:58:58,095 until somebody gives up Francis 1110 00:58:58,119 --> 00:59:00,081 force him to fix this, then put a bullet in his skull, 1111 00:59:00,105 --> 00:59:01,849 and fuck the brain hole. 1112 00:59:01,873 --> 00:59:04,986 I don't wanna see that or think of it again. 1113 00:59:05,010 --> 00:59:07,088 But the douche bag does thinks you're dead, right? 1114 00:59:07,112 --> 00:59:08,356 Yeah. 1115 00:59:08,380 --> 00:59:09,891 That's good. You should keep it that way. 1116 00:59:09,915 --> 00:59:11,492 What, like, wear a mask? 1117 00:59:11,516 --> 00:59:14,517 Yes. A very thick mask. All the time. 1118 00:59:15,153 --> 00:59:16,264 I am sorry 1119 00:59:16,288 --> 00:59:19,000 you are haunting. 1120 00:59:19,024 --> 00:59:21,002 Your face is the stuff of nightmares. 1121 00:59:21,026 --> 00:59:22,303 Like a testicle with teeth. 1122 00:59:22,327 --> 00:59:24,138 You will die alone. 1123 00:59:24,162 --> 00:59:26,307 I mean, if you could die. 1124 00:59:26,331 --> 00:59:28,376 Ideally, for others' sake. 1125 00:59:28,400 --> 00:59:30,011 That'll do. 1126 00:59:30,035 --> 00:59:31,879 All you need now is a suit and a nickname 1127 00:59:31,903 --> 00:59:34,115 like Wade the Wisecracker, 1128 00:59:34,139 --> 00:59:37,273 or Scared evil, Mr. Never die. 1129 00:59:37,909 --> 00:59:39,209 Oh, shit. 1130 00:59:39,578 --> 00:59:41,522 What? 1131 00:59:41,546 --> 00:59:43,558 I put all my money on you and now 1132 00:59:43,582 --> 00:59:45,159 I just realized I'm never gonna win the, uh... 1133 00:59:45,183 --> 00:59:46,282 Dead pool. 1134 00:59:50,188 --> 00:59:52,488 Captain Dead pool... 1135 00:59:54,326 --> 00:59:55,436 No, just... 1136 00:59:55,460 --> 00:59:57,271 Just Dead pool, yeah. Just Dead pool. 1137 00:59:57,295 --> 00:59:59,440 To you, Mr. Pool. 1138 00:59:59,464 --> 01:00:00,842 Dead pool. 1139 01:00:00,866 --> 01:00:02,143 That sounds like a fucking franchise. 1140 01:00:02,167 --> 01:00:03,233 [GLASSES CLINK] 1141 01:00:16,581 --> 01:00:19,327 This shit's gonna have nuts in it. 1142 01:00:19,351 --> 01:00:20,984 [MAN GROANS] Where's Francis? 1143 01:00:21,353 --> 01:00:23,286 [GRUNTING] 1144 01:00:25,924 --> 01:00:27,068 [GUN FIRING] 1145 01:00:27,092 --> 01:00:28,291 [GROANING] 1146 01:00:32,931 --> 01:00:33,997 [SIGHS] 1147 01:00:34,966 --> 01:00:36,566 [WADE] Where's Francis? 1148 01:00:44,976 --> 01:00:47,010 AL: Seltzer water and lemon for blood. 1149 01:00:48,213 --> 01:00:51,180 Or wear red. Dumbass. 1150 01:00:56,655 --> 01:00:58,354 [ALL CHEERING] 1151 01:01:03,028 --> 01:01:04,594 [CLAMORING] 1152 01:01:07,265 --> 01:01:08,409 [GROANING] 1153 01:01:08,433 --> 01:01:09,677 [GUN FIRING] [PEOPLE SCREAMING] 1154 01:01:09,701 --> 01:01:11,334 [WADE] Don't make me ask twice. 1155 01:01:12,570 --> 01:01:14,115 Where 1156 01:01:14,139 --> 01:01:16,651 is Francis? 1157 01:01:16,675 --> 01:01:18,486 He made me ask twice. 1158 01:01:18,510 --> 01:01:20,576 Is the mask muffling my voice? 1159 01:01:25,317 --> 01:01:26,950 Where's Francis? 1160 01:01:27,552 --> 01:01:29,397 [GUN FIRING] 1161 01:01:29,421 --> 01:01:31,354 Where the fuck is Francis? 1162 01:01:31,990 --> 01:01:33,056 [GROANING] 1163 01:01:36,294 --> 01:01:37,538 [GROANING] 1164 01:01:37,562 --> 01:01:40,007 [WADE LAUGHING] 1165 01:01:40,031 --> 01:01:43,311 You're about to be killed by a Zamboni. 1166 01:01:43,335 --> 01:01:44,545 Where's Francis? 1167 01:01:44,569 --> 01:01:46,013 [WOMAN WHIMPERS] 1168 01:01:46,037 --> 01:01:47,648 No! Please! 1169 01:01:47,672 --> 01:01:50,584 Oh, God! I'm so sorry! 1170 01:01:50,608 --> 01:01:51,652 [WOMAN SCREAMS] 1171 01:01:51,676 --> 01:01:54,555 Oh! You little spider monkey! 1172 01:01:54,579 --> 01:01:56,012 [TOILET FLUSHING] 1173 01:01:57,449 --> 01:02:01,050 Where... is... Francis? 1174 01:02:02,153 --> 01:02:03,331 This is confusing. 1175 01:02:03,355 --> 01:02:04,665 Is it sexist to hit you? 1176 01:02:04,689 --> 01:02:06,334 Is it more sexist to not hit you? 1177 01:02:06,358 --> 01:02:08,703 I mean, the line gets real... blurry. 1178 01:02:08,727 --> 01:02:09,747 [SPEAKING SPANISH] 1179 01:02:09,800 --> 01:02:11,000 Where is Francis? 1180 01:02:12,497 --> 01:02:14,542 Tell me where your fucking boss is 1181 01:02:14,566 --> 01:02:16,410 or you're gonna die! 1182 01:02:16,434 --> 01:02:18,167 In five minutes! 1183 01:02:28,213 --> 01:02:30,113 [WHISPERS] Don't hesitate to call me. 1184 01:02:45,530 --> 01:02:47,730 Nice to see you, Jared. 1185 01:02:48,800 --> 01:02:50,611 I'll take the foot long... 1186 01:02:50,635 --> 01:02:51,701 Fully loaded. 1187 01:02:53,104 --> 01:02:54,270 [GRUNTING] [GUNS FIRING] 1188 01:02:59,110 --> 01:03:00,309 [PANTING] 1189 01:03:02,414 --> 01:03:03,713 [GRUNTS] [GLASS SHATTERS] 1190 01:03:05,784 --> 01:03:07,328 [GROANS] Whoa, whoa! 1191 01:03:07,352 --> 01:03:09,063 41 confirmed kills. 1192 01:03:09,087 --> 01:03:11,454 Now it's 89. About to be 90. 1193 01:03:12,223 --> 01:03:13,334 Mr. Wilson? 1194 01:03:13,358 --> 01:03:14,457 Ding-ding. 1195 01:03:15,260 --> 01:03:17,538 You're looking very alive. 1196 01:03:17,562 --> 01:03:19,807 Ha! Only on the outside! 1197 01:03:19,831 --> 01:03:21,475 This is not going to end well for me, is it? 1198 01:03:21,499 --> 01:03:22,777 This is not gonna end well for you, no. 1199 01:03:22,801 --> 01:03:24,145 Where's your boss? 1200 01:03:24,169 --> 01:03:25,646 I can tell you exactly... 1201 01:03:25,670 --> 01:03:27,415 [SHUSHING MOCKINGLY] 1202 01:03:27,439 --> 01:03:29,784 Oh, you'll tell me. But first... 1203 01:03:29,808 --> 01:03:32,253 You might wanna look away for this. 1204 01:03:32,277 --> 01:03:33,554 Now this little piggy went to... 1205 01:03:33,578 --> 01:03:34,744 [AGENT SMITH SCREAMS] 1206 01:03:35,580 --> 01:03:38,081 [WADE] Thank you, Agent Smith. 1207 01:03:41,519 --> 01:03:42,585 Taxi! 1208 01:03:44,122 --> 01:03:46,400 Hop in! Great day for a ride. 1209 01:03:46,424 --> 01:03:48,269 [HINDI SONG PLAYING ON RADIO] 1210 01:03:48,293 --> 01:03:49,973 [WADE] And we all know how this turned out. 1211 01:03:52,564 --> 01:03:54,797 Whoops! You weren't meant to see that. 1212 01:04:02,707 --> 01:04:04,852 There. All caught up. 1213 01:04:04,876 --> 01:04:06,542 [JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING] 1214 01:04:12,550 --> 01:04:15,129 We're here. 1215 01:04:15,153 --> 01:04:18,521 [GROANS] Sorry about bleeding in all your garbage. 1216 01:04:20,859 --> 01:04:22,525 [GRUNTS] 1217 01:04:24,696 --> 01:04:26,796 Seltzer water and lemon for blood. 1218 01:04:27,298 --> 01:04:28,843 Whoo! 1219 01:04:28,867 --> 01:04:31,545 Some kinds of anger can't be managed 1220 01:04:31,569 --> 01:04:33,714 like the kind where your year-long plan 1221 01:04:33,738 --> 01:04:37,318 ends with the wrong guy getting dismembered! 1222 01:04:37,342 --> 01:04:40,221 That said, when it comes time to licking wounds, 1223 01:04:40,245 --> 01:04:42,456 there's no place like home. 1224 01:04:42,480 --> 01:04:44,558 Ah, and I share that home with someone you've met, 1225 01:04:44,582 --> 01:04:47,328 the old blind lady from the laundromat, Al. 1226 01:04:47,352 --> 01:04:49,230 God, I miss cocaine. 1227 01:04:49,254 --> 01:04:51,715 Her. 1228 01:04:51,739 --> 01:04:54,201 [GASPS] Fourth-wall break inside a fourth-wall break. 1229 01:04:54,225 --> 01:04:57,304 That's like 16 walls. 1230 01:04:57,328 --> 01:04:58,772 She's like Robin to my Batman, 1231 01:04:58,796 --> 01:05:02,710 except she's old, and black, and blind. 1232 01:05:02,734 --> 01:05:04,745 And I think she's in love with me. 1233 01:05:04,769 --> 01:05:08,349 [WADE] Wait, pretty sure Robin loves Batman, too. 1234 01:05:08,373 --> 01:05:09,572 [KNOCKING ON DOOR] 1235 01:05:13,878 --> 01:05:15,278 [KNOCKING ON DOOR] 1236 01:05:16,814 --> 01:05:18,259 [AL GROANS] 1237 01:05:18,283 --> 01:05:19,348 [WADE] Al? 1238 01:05:21,619 --> 01:05:23,197 Morning, sleepyhead. 1239 01:05:23,221 --> 01:05:24,498 [GRUNTS] 1240 01:05:24,522 --> 01:05:26,667 It smells like old lady pants in here. 1241 01:05:26,691 --> 01:05:28,669 Yes, I'm old. I wear pants. 1242 01:05:28,693 --> 01:05:30,538 But you're no lady. 1243 01:05:30,562 --> 01:05:33,807 Oh! So comfy. 1244 01:05:33,831 --> 01:05:36,877 Upside of being blind: I've never seen you in Crocs. 1245 01:05:36,901 --> 01:05:38,412 You mean my big, rubber masturbating shoes? 1246 01:05:38,436 --> 01:05:39,914 AL: Yes, I know. 1247 01:05:39,938 --> 01:05:42,683 Downside of being blind 1248 01:05:42,707 --> 01:05:45,252 I hear everything in this duplex. 1249 01:05:45,276 --> 01:05:46,342 [GROANS] 1250 01:05:47,312 --> 01:05:48,522 Sit on a stick. 1251 01:05:48,546 --> 01:05:49,557 Bactin? 1252 01:05:49,581 --> 01:05:53,716 Yeah. Bactin should do it. 1253 01:05:54,786 --> 01:05:56,564 How's that Kullen coming along? 1254 01:05:56,588 --> 01:05:58,666 IKEA doesn't assemble itself, you know. 1255 01:05:58,690 --> 01:06:01,669 You're telling me. I don't mind the Kullen. 1256 01:06:01,693 --> 01:06:04,305 It's an improvement on the Hurdal. 1257 01:06:04,329 --> 01:06:06,840 Please. Anything's an improvement over the Hurdal. 1258 01:06:06,864 --> 01:06:10,945 I'd have taken an Hemnes or a Trysil over the Hurdal. 1259 01:06:10,969 --> 01:06:13,814 Oh, no, I didn't get excited till I saw the Kullen. 1260 01:06:13,838 --> 01:06:14,982 Screw, please. 1261 01:06:15,006 --> 01:06:16,550 Here? Now? Just kidding. 1262 01:06:16,574 --> 01:06:17,718 I know it's been decades. 1263 01:06:17,742 --> 01:06:18,908 You'd be surprised. 1264 01:06:19,611 --> 01:06:20,776 Pretty grossed out. 1265 01:06:22,714 --> 01:06:25,281 [GROANS] Ta... Da. 1266 01:06:30,855 --> 01:06:34,468 I wish I never heard of Craigslist. 1267 01:06:34,492 --> 01:06:35,736 And I quote, Looking for room-mate, 1268 01:06:35,760 --> 01:06:37,004 blind to life's imperfections. 1269 01:06:37,028 --> 01:06:38,788 Must be good with hands. 1270 01:06:38,812 --> 01:06:40,574 Or would you rather I build the IKEA, and you pay rent? 1271 01:06:40,598 --> 01:06:42,565 Why such a douche this morning? 1272 01:06:43,334 --> 01:06:45,011 Let's recap. 1273 01:06:45,035 --> 01:06:46,714 The cock thistle that turned me into this freak 1274 01:06:46,738 --> 01:06:48,537 slipped through my arms today... 1275 01:06:50,008 --> 01:06:51,685 Arm. 1276 01:06:51,709 --> 01:06:53,020 Catching him was my only chance 1277 01:06:53,044 --> 01:06:54,855 to be hot again, get my super sexy ex back, 1278 01:06:54,879 --> 01:06:57,324 and prevent this shit from happening to someone else. 1279 01:06:57,348 --> 01:06:59,326 So, yeah, today was about as much fun 1280 01:06:59,350 --> 01:07:00,983 as a sandpaper dildo. 1281 01:07:01,753 --> 01:07:02,863 [WADE FARTS] 1282 01:07:02,887 --> 01:07:04,553 Drive by. 1283 01:07:21,906 --> 01:07:23,939 Found out who our friend in the red suit is. 1284 01:07:26,377 --> 01:07:29,023 Fucking Wade Wilson. 1285 01:07:29,047 --> 01:07:32,026 I suppose I'd wear a mask too if I had a face like that. 1286 01:07:32,050 --> 01:07:33,716 I only wish I healed the same. 1287 01:07:37,655 --> 01:07:40,501 Still, we'll put him out of our misery. 1288 01:07:40,525 --> 01:07:42,002 On our terms. 1289 01:07:42,026 --> 01:07:43,893 Right. And when he heals? 1290 01:07:44,829 --> 01:07:46,006 He can't. 1291 01:07:46,030 --> 01:07:48,642 Not if there's nothing left of him to heal. 1292 01:07:48,666 --> 01:07:52,702 You know, it's funny. I almost miss the fucker. 1293 01:07:54,005 --> 01:07:55,604 I like a challenge. 1294 01:07:56,841 --> 01:07:58,952 But he's bad for business. 1295 01:07:58,976 --> 01:08:00,810 Now let's go find him. 1296 01:08:01,679 --> 01:08:02,745 Oh. 1297 01:08:03,681 --> 01:08:05,092 [WADE GRUNTS SLOWLY] 1298 01:08:05,116 --> 01:08:06,694 Tylenol PM? 1299 01:08:06,718 --> 01:08:09,596 You can stick that where you stuck the Bactin. 1300 01:08:09,620 --> 01:08:11,965 I raided my stash of wisdom tooth Percocet, 1301 01:08:11,989 --> 01:08:16,058 and I am orbiting fucking Saturn right now. 1302 01:08:16,961 --> 01:08:18,839 [SIGHS] 1303 01:08:18,863 --> 01:08:21,809 But I appreciate the gesture. 1304 01:08:21,833 --> 01:08:26,413 Am I crazy, or is your hand really small? 1305 01:08:26,437 --> 01:08:28,449 About the size of a KFC spork. 1306 01:08:28,473 --> 01:08:30,351 Ugh. 1307 01:08:30,375 --> 01:08:32,586 I get why you're so pissy, 1308 01:08:32,610 --> 01:08:34,121 but your mood's never gonna brighten 1309 01:08:34,145 --> 01:08:35,589 till you find this woman, 1310 01:08:35,613 --> 01:08:36,957 and tell her how you feel. 1311 01:08:36,981 --> 01:08:38,659 What do I keep telling you, Mrs. Magoo? 1312 01:08:38,683 --> 01:08:40,494 She wouldn't have me. 1313 01:08:40,518 --> 01:08:42,129 If you could see me, you'd understand. 1314 01:08:42,153 --> 01:08:43,464 Looks aren't everything. 1315 01:08:43,488 --> 01:08:44,598 Looks are everything. 1316 01:08:44,622 --> 01:08:46,700 You ever heard David Beckham speak? 1317 01:08:46,724 --> 01:08:49,036 It's like he mouth-sexed a can of helium. 1318 01:08:49,060 --> 01:08:50,604 You think Ryan Reynolds got this far 1319 01:08:50,628 --> 01:08:52,473 on his superior acting method? 1320 01:08:52,497 --> 01:08:53,741 Love is blind, Wade. 1321 01:08:53,765 --> 01:08:54,830 No. 1322 01:08:55,867 --> 01:08:57,778 You're blind. 1323 01:08:57,802 --> 01:09:00,748 So, you're just gonna lie there and whimper? 1324 01:09:00,772 --> 01:09:02,850 No, I'm gonna wait till this arm ploughs through puberty, 1325 01:09:02,874 --> 01:09:03,884 and then I'm gonna come up with 1326 01:09:03,908 --> 01:09:05,148 a whole new Christmas Day plan. 1327 01:09:05,810 --> 01:09:07,054 In the meantime, 1328 01:09:07,078 --> 01:09:09,056 you might wanna leave the room. 1329 01:09:09,080 --> 01:09:11,680 I bet it feels huge in this hand. 1330 01:09:12,917 --> 01:09:16,063 Go, go, go. 1331 01:09:16,087 --> 01:09:17,865 [WEASEL] So, the doctor says, The bad news is 1332 01:09:17,889 --> 01:09:19,316 you don't have that long to live. 1333 01:09:19,340 --> 01:09:20,768 So, the patient says, How long do I have? 1334 01:09:20,792 --> 01:09:22,736 The doctor says, Five. 1335 01:09:22,760 --> 01:09:24,471 The guy says, Five what? 1336 01:09:24,495 --> 01:09:27,674 And the doctor says, Four, three, two... 1337 01:09:27,698 --> 01:09:28,898 [ALL LAUGHING] 1338 01:09:35,540 --> 01:09:37,039 Can I help you ladies? 1339 01:09:39,677 --> 01:09:40,843 Oh, I do hope so. 1340 01:09:44,949 --> 01:09:46,560 I heard you might be able to point me 1341 01:09:46,584 --> 01:09:49,663 in the direction of a, um, friend of mine. 1342 01:09:49,687 --> 01:09:50,753 Name of Wade Wilson. 1343 01:09:52,123 --> 01:09:53,434 Sorry. 1344 01:09:53,458 --> 01:09:54,990 I don't know the name. 1345 01:10:02,200 --> 01:10:04,733 Hey, you're not supposed to be behind the bar. 1346 01:10:08,239 --> 01:10:10,184 I've seen this girl. 1347 01:10:10,208 --> 01:10:11,685 [FRANCIS] Ah, this must be Vanessa. 1348 01:10:11,709 --> 01:10:12,908 I've heard so much about you. 1349 01:10:13,544 --> 01:10:14,610 [GROANING] 1350 01:10:17,114 --> 01:10:19,860 Um, sweetheart, you might wanna look around. 1351 01:10:19,884 --> 01:10:22,651 This isn't really the place to do something like that. 1352 01:10:23,888 --> 01:10:25,699 Easy, Angel. 1353 01:10:25,723 --> 01:10:27,089 Put the little man down. 1354 01:10:28,693 --> 01:10:30,804 We have everything we need now. 1355 01:10:30,828 --> 01:10:32,606 You sure? 1356 01:10:32,630 --> 01:10:35,709 You don't want any clothes that are not monochromatic? 1357 01:10:35,733 --> 01:10:38,534 Have fun at your midnight showing of Blade II. 1358 01:10:40,605 --> 01:10:41,982 Whoo. 1359 01:10:42,006 --> 01:10:43,839 Thanks for having my back, guys. 1360 01:10:48,779 --> 01:10:51,124 Wade, we have a fucking problem. 1361 01:10:51,148 --> 01:10:53,894 And by we, I mean you. 1362 01:10:53,918 --> 01:10:56,029 Ah, I can't believe I'm doing this. 1363 01:10:56,053 --> 01:10:58,966 Is there a word for half afraid, half angry? 1364 01:10:58,990 --> 01:11:01,134 Yeah, afrangry, I guess. 1365 01:11:01,158 --> 01:11:03,003 Have you decided what you're gonna say to her? 1366 01:11:03,027 --> 01:11:04,271 Fuck me! 1367 01:11:04,295 --> 01:11:06,273 Uh, maybe not start with that. 1368 01:11:06,297 --> 01:11:08,130 [TRAP MUSIC PLAYING] 1369 01:11:12,136 --> 01:11:15,582 Hey, coming onto our stage right now 1370 01:11:15,606 --> 01:11:17,784 give it up for Chastity! 1371 01:11:17,808 --> 01:11:19,108 [ALL CHEERING] 1372 01:11:21,612 --> 01:11:23,891 Or as I like to call her, Irony. 1373 01:11:23,915 --> 01:11:26,026 Better find her fast before numb nuts does. 1374 01:11:26,050 --> 01:11:27,661 How do you know she's in here? 1375 01:11:27,685 --> 01:11:30,853 Because I'm constantly stalking that fox. 1376 01:11:44,902 --> 01:11:48,704 [MUSIC FADES OUT] 1377 01:11:55,813 --> 01:12:00,060 [WADE] Every time I see her, it's like the first time... 1378 01:12:00,084 --> 01:12:02,284 Especially from this angle. 1379 01:12:21,372 --> 01:12:22,683 [MUSIC FADES IN] 1380 01:12:22,707 --> 01:12:23,906 [MEN CHEERING] 1381 01:12:25,810 --> 01:12:27,087 [ANNOUNCER] You can't buy love, 1382 01:12:27,111 --> 01:12:29,912 but you can rent it for three minutes. 1383 01:12:31,015 --> 01:12:32,081 [EXHALES] 1384 01:12:32,850 --> 01:12:35,651 Ah, you weak motherfucker! 1385 01:12:36,220 --> 01:12:37,286 Come on! 1386 01:12:38,389 --> 01:12:39,833 Come on, get it together. 1387 01:12:39,857 --> 01:12:41,924 This isn't about me, this is about Vanessa. 1388 01:12:45,963 --> 01:12:47,296 Here we go. 1389 01:12:49,900 --> 01:12:51,667 Maximum effort. 1390 01:12:55,006 --> 01:12:56,171 Vanessa. 1391 01:12:58,743 --> 01:13:00,721 Someone out back asking for you. 1392 01:13:00,745 --> 01:13:02,911 Something about, uh, an old boyfriend. 1393 01:13:30,141 --> 01:13:31,273 I knew it was you. 1394 01:13:33,077 --> 01:13:35,110 The weird, curvy edges. 1395 01:13:36,681 --> 01:13:38,414 Like a jigsaw puzzle. 1396 01:13:48,426 --> 01:13:50,392 You have Wade Wilson to thank for this. 1397 01:13:53,097 --> 01:13:54,163 [VANESSA GROANS] 1398 01:13:59,336 --> 01:14:01,048 Hey. Hey! Where'd she go? 1399 01:14:01,072 --> 01:14:03,016 Uh, I saw her head to the back. 1400 01:14:03,040 --> 01:14:04,406 Go get her, tiger. 1401 01:14:27,364 --> 01:14:29,865 [SOFTLY] Fuck. Fuck! 1402 01:14:32,369 --> 01:14:34,181 Motherfucker! 1403 01:14:34,205 --> 01:14:35,315 Wait, wait. Let's... Just... 1404 01:14:35,339 --> 01:14:36,382 Cock juggling... 1405 01:14:36,406 --> 01:14:37,451 We can talk about what we're gonna... 1406 01:14:37,475 --> 01:14:38,485 Jiminy! Fuck face! 1407 01:14:38,509 --> 01:14:39,920 Okay, or you can hit that. 1408 01:14:39,944 --> 01:14:41,822 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck! Fuck! 1409 01:14:41,846 --> 01:14:43,190 No, no. All right. Hey! 1410 01:14:43,214 --> 01:14:44,958 Fuck! Fuck! 1411 01:14:44,982 --> 01:14:46,493 Fuck! Hey, um... 1412 01:14:46,517 --> 01:14:49,096 Whoa! Whoa! Relax. Relax. Okay. 1413 01:14:49,120 --> 01:14:50,397 Okay. I think that's a good start. 1414 01:14:50,421 --> 01:14:52,466 Oh, I'm gonna rip his mother fucking... 1415 01:14:52,490 --> 01:14:53,734 [CELL PHONE RINGING] Wait. 1416 01:14:53,758 --> 01:14:55,202 Find it! Find it. What? 1417 01:14:55,226 --> 01:14:57,070 I'm gonna get angry. Okay. All right. 1418 01:14:57,094 --> 01:14:58,939 All right. Okay. All right. 1419 01:14:58,963 --> 01:15:00,240 Here. This is Vanessa. 1420 01:15:00,264 --> 01:15:02,275 What? No, wait. It's Francis. 1421 01:15:02,299 --> 01:15:05,078 He wants you to come to him. 1422 01:15:05,102 --> 01:15:06,847 What is that? That's the shit emoji. 1423 01:15:06,871 --> 01:15:08,982 You know, it's the turd with the smiling face and the eyes? 1424 01:15:09,006 --> 01:15:11,340 I thought it was chocolate yogurt for so long. 1425 01:15:12,042 --> 01:15:13,253 I need guns. 1426 01:15:13,277 --> 01:15:14,387 Okay, which ones? 1427 01:15:14,411 --> 01:15:15,522 I need all the guns! 1428 01:15:15,546 --> 01:15:16,990 All right. Okay. 1429 01:15:17,014 --> 01:15:18,514 [HEAVY METAL PLAYING] 1430 01:15:37,468 --> 01:15:39,101 That's about 3,000 rounds. 1431 01:15:40,037 --> 01:15:42,382 We all know what I can do with 12. 1432 01:15:42,406 --> 01:15:44,551 Hey, hey, careful with that, Ronnie Milsap! 1433 01:15:44,575 --> 01:15:45,941 We're downrange. 1434 01:15:47,211 --> 01:15:48,855 I was gonna spend the night 1435 01:15:48,879 --> 01:15:51,992 assembling the Borje, but this is holding my interest. 1436 01:15:52,016 --> 01:15:54,895 I told you, we're going with the Urvaj, not the Borje. 1437 01:15:54,919 --> 01:15:56,897 Get it through your head or get out of fuck town. 1438 01:15:56,921 --> 01:15:59,566 Shit. That's all the pieces in the house. 1439 01:15:59,590 --> 01:16:01,902 Nah, nah... Come on. Let's go. Cough it up. 1440 01:16:01,926 --> 01:16:03,392 Up, up, up. 1441 01:16:04,428 --> 01:16:05,939 Oh. Down, down, down. 1442 01:16:05,963 --> 01:16:07,029 Fuck you. 1443 01:16:08,833 --> 01:16:11,533 .45 cal. I like it. 1444 01:16:13,571 --> 01:16:15,003 Wade 1445 01:16:16,106 --> 01:16:18,974 I'd go with you, but I don't want to. 1446 01:16:22,046 --> 01:16:23,323 Uh... 1447 01:16:23,347 --> 01:16:24,546 Listen, Al 1448 01:16:25,516 --> 01:16:28,161 if I never see you again, 1449 01:16:28,185 --> 01:16:31,598 I want you to know that I love you very much. 1450 01:16:31,622 --> 01:16:35,468 And also, uh, there's about 116 kilos of cocaine 1451 01:16:35,492 --> 01:16:37,003 buried somewhere in the apartment 1452 01:16:37,027 --> 01:16:39,862 right next to the cure for blindness. Good luck. 1453 01:16:45,202 --> 01:16:46,613 You wanna get fucked up? 1454 01:16:46,637 --> 01:16:48,303 [SEAGULLS SCREECHING] 1455 01:16:51,542 --> 01:16:54,076 ([MAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY OVER P.A.) 1456 01:16:54,945 --> 01:16:56,489 [MUMBLING] 1457 01:16:56,513 --> 01:16:58,180 Put her down over here. 1458 01:16:59,650 --> 01:17:00,916 [WHIMPERS] 1459 01:17:03,420 --> 01:17:05,187 [MUMBLING CONTINUES] 1460 01:17:08,259 --> 01:17:09,491 Go on then. 1461 01:17:11,996 --> 01:17:14,975 Thanks, dick less. And I mean you. 1462 01:17:14,999 --> 01:17:18,278 Wow. You're a talker too. You and Wade. 1463 01:17:18,302 --> 01:17:20,113 I've been trying to tell you assholes, 1464 01:17:20,137 --> 01:17:21,514 you've got the wrong girl. 1465 01:17:21,538 --> 01:17:23,216 My old boyfriend, he's dead. 1466 01:17:23,240 --> 01:17:26,987 See, I thought that too. But he keeps on coming back. 1467 01:17:27,011 --> 01:17:28,255 Like a cockroach, 1468 01:17:28,279 --> 01:17:30,523 but uglier. 1469 01:17:30,547 --> 01:17:35,161 Now, I may not feel, but he does. 1470 01:17:35,185 --> 01:17:37,225 Let's see how he fights with your head on the block. 1471 01:17:46,063 --> 01:17:47,529 Ripley, from Alien 3! 1472 01:17:48,165 --> 01:17:50,110 Fuck, you're old. 1473 01:17:50,134 --> 01:17:51,544 [CACKLES] 1474 01:17:51,568 --> 01:17:54,014 Fake laugh. Hiding real pain. 1475 01:17:54,038 --> 01:17:55,348 Go get Silver Balls. 1476 01:17:55,372 --> 01:17:57,918 You guys going for a bite? Early bird special? 1477 01:17:57,942 --> 01:17:59,152 Oh, like there's something wrong 1478 01:17:59,176 --> 01:18:00,687 with eating before sundown or saving money. 1479 01:18:00,711 --> 01:18:04,246 No, you know that bad guy that you let go? 1480 01:18:04,682 --> 01:18:06,593 He's got my girl. 1481 01:18:06,617 --> 01:18:08,428 You're gonna help me get her back. 1482 01:18:08,452 --> 01:18:10,330 [COLOSSUS] Wade, is that you? 1483 01:18:10,354 --> 01:18:11,998 Yeah, it's me, Dead pool, 1484 01:18:12,022 --> 01:18:14,957 and I got an offer that you can't refuse. 1485 01:18:17,461 --> 01:18:18,538 I'm gonna wait out here, okay? 1486 01:18:18,562 --> 01:18:20,106 It's a big house. 1487 01:18:20,130 --> 01:18:21,942 It's funny that I only ever see two of you. 1488 01:18:21,966 --> 01:18:24,247 It's almost like the studio couldn't afford another X-Man. 1489 01:18:27,604 --> 01:18:29,215 [WADE] And that is why, in my opinion 1490 01:18:29,239 --> 01:18:32,953 the movie Cocoon is pure pornography. 1491 01:18:32,977 --> 01:18:34,621 Who brought this twinkly man? 1492 01:18:34,645 --> 01:18:36,723 Twinkly, but deadly. 1493 01:18:36,747 --> 01:18:39,326 My chrome-penised friend back there 1494 01:18:39,350 --> 01:18:41,428 has agreed to do me this solid. 1495 01:18:41,452 --> 01:18:43,430 In exchange, I said that I would 1496 01:18:43,454 --> 01:18:45,465 consider joining his boy band. 1497 01:18:45,489 --> 01:18:46,733 It's not boy band. 1498 01:18:46,757 --> 01:18:48,568 Sure it's not. 1499 01:18:48,592 --> 01:18:51,604 [SIGHS LOUDLY] So, any luck winning Gita back? 1500 01:18:51,628 --> 01:18:54,207 I tried to hold on tight, Mr. Pool, 1501 01:18:54,231 --> 01:18:58,445 but Bandhu is more craftier and handsomer than me. 1502 01:18:58,469 --> 01:19:00,302 Well, I think you're pretty darn cute. 1503 01:19:02,339 --> 01:19:03,516 [MAN SCREAMS] 1504 01:19:03,540 --> 01:19:04,780 [PUNJABI MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO] 1505 01:19:06,143 --> 01:19:07,709 Dopinder. Hmm? 1506 01:19:09,113 --> 01:19:10,178 What was that? 1507 01:19:10,748 --> 01:19:12,125 Uh... 1508 01:19:12,149 --> 01:19:17,719 That was Bandhu in the trunk. 1509 01:19:18,389 --> 01:19:20,433 Ban who? 1510 01:19:20,457 --> 01:19:22,502 My romantic rival Bandhu. He's tied up in the trunk. 1511 01:19:22,526 --> 01:19:24,270 I'm doing as you said, DP. 1512 01:19:24,294 --> 01:19:26,272 I plan to gut him like a tandoori fish, 1513 01:19:26,296 --> 01:19:28,196 then dump his carcass on Gita's doorstep. 1514 01:19:29,400 --> 01:19:31,144 I did not tell him to do that. 1515 01:19:31,168 --> 01:19:33,747 Absolutely not. It got lost in translation. 1516 01:19:33,771 --> 01:19:37,150 Dopinder, this is no way to win Gita's heart back! 1517 01:19:37,174 --> 01:19:38,784 [WHISPERS] I'm so proud of you. 1518 01:19:38,808 --> 01:19:40,420 Drop Bandhu off, safe and gentle-like. 1519 01:19:40,444 --> 01:19:41,488 [WHISPERS] Kill him. 1520 01:19:41,512 --> 01:19:43,656 And then, win Gita back 1521 01:19:43,680 --> 01:19:46,526 the old fashioned way: with your boyish charm. 1522 01:19:46,550 --> 01:19:48,150 [WHISPERS] Kidnap her. 1523 01:19:49,453 --> 01:19:50,652 He's super dead. 1524 01:19:51,188 --> 01:19:52,254 Whoa! 1525 01:19:56,160 --> 01:19:57,670 I presume a crisp high five? 1526 01:19:57,694 --> 01:20:00,540 For you? 10. 1527 01:20:00,564 --> 01:20:03,410 Okay, guys, let's get out there and make a difference. 1528 01:20:03,434 --> 01:20:05,400 [WHISPERS] You know what to do. 1529 01:20:06,303 --> 01:20:09,071 Knock 'em dead, Pool Boy! 1530 01:20:10,174 --> 01:20:12,240 Time to make the chimi-fucking changas. 1531 01:20:13,577 --> 01:20:15,288 [WADE] Not often a dude ruins your face 1532 01:20:15,312 --> 01:20:18,291 skull-stomps your sanity, grabs your future baby mama, 1533 01:20:18,315 --> 01:20:20,060 and personally sees to four 1534 01:20:20,084 --> 01:20:22,462 of your five shittiest moments. 1535 01:20:22,486 --> 01:20:26,688 Let's just say it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas. 1536 01:20:39,603 --> 01:20:41,081 [NEGASONIC TEENAGE WARHEAD] Hey. 1537 01:20:41,105 --> 01:20:42,404 Where's your duffle bag? 1538 01:20:43,740 --> 01:20:45,273 [PHONE RINGING] 1539 01:20:46,510 --> 01:20:50,378 [HINDI SONG PLAYING ON RADIO] 1540 01:20:54,585 --> 01:20:55,717 [TRUCK HONKING] 1541 01:20:56,453 --> 01:20:57,564 [TIRES SCREECHING] 1542 01:20:57,588 --> 01:20:59,421 [THUDS] [BANDHU SCREAMS] 1543 01:21:01,225 --> 01:21:04,170 [DOPINDER] Bandhu? 1544 01:21:04,194 --> 01:21:06,239 [DOPINDER] Leave a message and have a happy day. 1545 01:21:06,263 --> 01:21:07,607 God damn it! 1546 01:21:07,631 --> 01:21:09,375 I'm gonna do this the old fashioned way 1547 01:21:09,399 --> 01:21:12,834 with two swords and maximum effort. 1548 01:21:13,770 --> 01:21:14,848 Cue the music. 1549 01:21:14,872 --> 01:21:17,172 [HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING] 1550 01:21:25,282 --> 01:21:26,581 [MUSIC STOPS] 1551 01:21:30,921 --> 01:21:33,900 [FRANCIS] Wade Wilson! 1552 01:21:33,924 --> 01:21:35,635 What's my name? 1553 01:21:35,659 --> 01:21:37,859 Oh, I'm a fucking spell it out for ya. 1554 01:21:40,230 --> 01:21:41,341 Go get some. 1555 01:21:41,365 --> 01:21:42,509 Superhero landing. 1556 01:21:42,533 --> 01:21:43,643 She's gonna do a superhero landing. 1557 01:21:43,667 --> 01:21:44,733 Wait for it. 1558 01:21:47,938 --> 01:21:49,215 [WADE] Whoo! 1559 01:21:49,239 --> 01:21:50,783 Superhero landing! 1560 01:21:50,807 --> 01:21:52,285 You know, that's really hard on your knees. 1561 01:21:52,309 --> 01:21:54,254 Totally impractical. They all do it. 1562 01:21:54,278 --> 01:21:57,524 You're a lovely lady, but I'm saving myself for Francis. 1563 01:21:57,548 --> 01:21:58,825 That's why I brought him. 1564 01:21:58,849 --> 01:22:02,184 I prefer not to hit a woman, so please... 1565 01:22:03,554 --> 01:22:05,587 [GROANS] 1566 01:22:09,293 --> 01:22:12,394 I mean, that's why I brought her? 1567 01:22:13,797 --> 01:22:15,942 Oh, no, finish your tweet. It's not... That's... 1568 01:22:15,966 --> 01:22:17,644 Just give us a second. Yeah. 1569 01:22:17,668 --> 01:22:19,201 There you go. Hashtag it. 1570 01:22:20,437 --> 01:22:22,370 Go get her, tiger. 1571 01:22:23,540 --> 01:22:25,407 [GROANS] 1572 01:22:28,845 --> 01:22:32,681 Oh, I so pity the dude who pressures her into prom sex. 1573 01:22:33,417 --> 01:22:35,195 All right, then. Fire! 1574 01:22:35,219 --> 01:22:36,651 [GUNS FIRING] 1575 01:22:42,893 --> 01:22:43,959 [GRUNTS] 1576 01:22:46,630 --> 01:22:48,341 Finish fucking her the fuck up! 1577 01:22:48,365 --> 01:22:49,442 Language, please. 1578 01:22:49,466 --> 01:22:50,677 Suck a cock. 1579 01:22:50,701 --> 01:22:52,267 [BOTH GRUNTING] 1580 01:23:16,627 --> 01:23:18,426 Look away, child. 1581 01:23:18,929 --> 01:23:20,462 Look away! 1582 01:23:21,031 --> 01:23:22,530 [SCREAMING] 1583 01:23:27,671 --> 01:23:28,982 [WADE] Wait! 1584 01:23:29,006 --> 01:23:30,316 Wait! 1585 01:23:30,340 --> 01:23:31,351 Cease fire! 1586 01:23:31,375 --> 01:23:32,652 Cease fire! 1587 01:23:32,676 --> 01:23:34,309 [WADE] Fellas! Hey! Hey! 1588 01:23:35,545 --> 01:23:39,359 You only work for that shit-speckled muppet fart. 1589 01:23:39,383 --> 01:23:41,527 So, I'm a give you a chance 1590 01:23:41,551 --> 01:23:43,396 for y'all to lay down your firearms 1591 01:23:43,420 --> 01:23:46,466 in exchange for preferential, bordering on gentle 1592 01:23:46,490 --> 01:23:50,036 possibly even lover-like treatment. 1593 01:23:50,060 --> 01:23:51,871 [GUNS FIRING] 1594 01:23:51,895 --> 01:23:53,039 Fine. 1595 01:23:53,063 --> 01:23:54,362 Commando! 1596 01:23:55,032 --> 01:23:56,598 [GRUNTING] 1597 01:24:02,939 --> 01:24:04,372 [EXHALING] 1598 01:24:04,975 --> 01:24:06,474 [GRUNTING] 1599 01:24:08,545 --> 01:24:09,622 [COLOSSUS GRUNTS] 1600 01:24:09,646 --> 01:24:10,712 [ANGEL DUST GROANS] 1601 01:24:14,951 --> 01:24:16,584 [BOTH GRUNTING] 1602 01:24:29,066 --> 01:24:30,332 [GROWLS] 1603 01:24:30,701 --> 01:24:31,800 [MEN GROANING] 1604 01:24:46,850 --> 01:24:47,916 [GRUNTING] 1605 01:25:06,370 --> 01:25:07,502 Teabag! 1606 01:25:11,875 --> 01:25:12,941 Bob? 1607 01:25:13,877 --> 01:25:15,104 Wade? 1608 01:25:15,128 --> 01:25:16,356 Oh, my God, I haven't seen you since... 1609 01:25:16,380 --> 01:25:18,680 Jacksonville. Fridays. Since TGI Fridays. 1610 01:25:19,483 --> 01:25:21,694 Well, what the hell! 1611 01:25:21,718 --> 01:25:23,385 God, come here, you. 1612 01:25:23,653 --> 01:25:25,431 [GRUNTS] 1613 01:25:25,455 --> 01:25:27,834 How are the kids? Good? 1614 01:25:27,858 --> 01:25:29,669 And Gail, she still fixing that tuna casserole? 1615 01:25:29,693 --> 01:25:31,504 So good. But bad for the waistline, 1616 01:25:31,528 --> 01:25:32,888 if you know what I'm talking about. 1617 01:25:37,167 --> 01:25:39,379 Oh! [CLEARS THROAT] 1618 01:25:39,403 --> 01:25:42,715 Your... On the left. You are beautiful woman. 1619 01:25:42,739 --> 01:25:43,983 That is so sweet. 1620 01:25:44,007 --> 01:25:45,118 Uh... 1621 01:25:45,142 --> 01:25:46,408 Thanks. 1622 01:25:46,676 --> 01:25:47,742 [GRUNTS] 1623 01:25:51,648 --> 01:25:52,714 [GROANS] 1624 01:25:58,488 --> 01:25:59,231 [WADE] Yoo-hoo! 1625 01:25:59,255 --> 01:25:59,999 [FRANCIS] Does he write you notes too? 1626 01:26:00,023 --> 01:26:02,402 He's such a romantic. 1627 01:26:02,426 --> 01:26:03,866 [WADE] Don't worry, baby. I'm coming. 1628 01:26:05,028 --> 01:26:06,539 Fire! 1629 01:26:06,563 --> 01:26:07,829 [GUNS FIRING] 1630 01:26:13,770 --> 01:26:15,515 [NEGASONIC TEENAGE WARHEAD] Hey! 1631 01:26:15,539 --> 01:26:16,604 Climb on! 1632 01:26:18,108 --> 01:26:20,175 [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING] 1633 01:26:27,717 --> 01:26:28,783 [SCREAMING] 1634 01:26:34,691 --> 01:26:36,191 [GROANING] 1635 01:26:53,577 --> 01:26:55,076 Mother fucking... 1636 01:27:06,490 --> 01:27:08,957 Motherfucker should have worn his brown pants. 1637 01:27:11,728 --> 01:27:12,927 You were right, beautiful. 1638 01:27:13,763 --> 01:27:15,630 Red really is my colour. 1639 01:27:16,132 --> 01:27:17,243 Wade? 1640 01:27:17,267 --> 01:27:18,711 Don't worry, baby 1641 01:27:18,735 --> 01:27:21,113 I'm a get you out of that shit-box. 1642 01:27:21,137 --> 01:27:23,549 What better way to crawl back inside that head of yours? 1643 01:27:23,573 --> 01:27:25,485 Oh, you never left. 1644 01:27:25,509 --> 01:27:27,620 But you did, asshole! 1645 01:27:27,644 --> 01:27:29,077 Ah, deep breath, darling. 1646 01:27:30,647 --> 01:27:31,813 Oh, wait. 1647 01:27:32,849 --> 01:27:34,549 Wrong choice of words. 1648 01:27:35,585 --> 01:27:37,562 [CHOKING] 1649 01:27:37,586 --> 01:27:39,565 I hope they blocked pain to your every last nerve. 1650 01:27:39,589 --> 01:27:40,722 'Cause I'm a go looking! 1651 01:27:41,992 --> 01:27:44,604 I hear you grow back body parts now, Wade. 1652 01:27:44,628 --> 01:27:45,705 When I'm finished 1653 01:27:45,729 --> 01:27:47,607 parts will have to grow back you. 1654 01:27:47,631 --> 01:27:48,796 Good one. 1655 01:27:49,666 --> 01:27:51,577 Yep, that was a good one. 1656 01:27:51,601 --> 01:27:52,667 Let's dance. 1657 01:27:53,904 --> 01:27:55,114 And by dance, I mean 1658 01:27:55,138 --> 01:27:56,749 let's try to kill each other. 1659 01:27:56,773 --> 01:27:58,106 [GRUNTING] [METAL CLANKING] 1660 01:28:06,149 --> 01:28:07,793 [GASPING] 1661 01:28:07,817 --> 01:28:08,983 [GRUNTING] 1662 01:28:13,890 --> 01:28:14,956 [GROANS] 1663 01:28:33,310 --> 01:28:34,742 [COLOSSUS GROANING] 1664 01:28:38,682 --> 01:28:39,881 [CHOKING] 1665 01:28:50,961 --> 01:28:53,339 Fine. Fists. 1666 01:28:53,363 --> 01:28:55,575 Oh, sounds like your last Saturday night. 1667 01:28:55,599 --> 01:28:56,998 [GRUNTING] 1668 01:29:22,025 --> 01:29:23,358 [GROANING] 1669 01:29:35,639 --> 01:29:36,904 [GRUNTING] 1670 01:29:41,978 --> 01:29:43,911 [VANESSA GROANS] 1671 01:30:17,180 --> 01:30:19,280 Asshole! 1672 01:30:25,755 --> 01:30:26,854 [FRANCIS GRUNTS] 1673 01:30:27,323 --> 01:30:28,890 [GROANS] 1674 01:30:37,100 --> 01:30:38,733 [GRUNTING] 1675 01:30:47,477 --> 01:30:48,743 [EXPLODING] 1676 01:30:58,455 --> 01:31:00,154 [GRUNTING] 1677 01:31:10,867 --> 01:31:11,933 [SCREAMS] 1678 01:31:15,505 --> 01:31:17,083 Hang in there, baby! 1679 01:31:17,107 --> 01:31:19,173 Wade! I gotcha! 1680 01:31:22,412 --> 01:31:24,857 I got a plan. You're not gonna like it. 1681 01:31:24,881 --> 01:31:26,013 [GRUNTING] 1682 01:31:35,125 --> 01:31:36,290 Shit! Shit! Shit! 1683 01:31:37,961 --> 01:31:40,061 [VANESSA SCREAMING] 1684 01:31:42,165 --> 01:31:44,832 Don't worry. I'm totally on top of this. 1685 01:31:49,305 --> 01:31:51,072 [PANTING] 1686 01:31:59,916 --> 01:32:01,949 Ah! Damn it! 1687 01:32:02,786 --> 01:32:05,787 Maximum effort! 1688 01:32:06,923 --> 01:32:08,222 [VANESSA SCREAMS] 1689 01:32:25,008 --> 01:32:26,407 [RUMBLING] 1690 01:32:44,594 --> 01:32:46,027 [GRUNTS] 1691 01:32:48,031 --> 01:32:49,096 Thanks. 1692 01:32:54,037 --> 01:32:55,570 Just take it slow. 1693 01:33:02,278 --> 01:33:03,845 [WADE] Yoo-hoo! 1694 01:33:06,082 --> 01:33:08,828 Oh, my God! That was so... 1695 01:33:08,852 --> 01:33:10,017 [GRUNTING] 1696 01:33:36,246 --> 01:33:38,357 [EXHALING HEAVILY] 1697 01:33:38,381 --> 01:33:39,625 [FRANCIS LAUGHS] 1698 01:33:39,649 --> 01:33:42,328 There are no words! 1699 01:33:42,352 --> 01:33:46,087 Me and you are headed to fix this butter face. 1700 01:33:46,656 --> 01:33:48,022 What? 1701 01:33:48,591 --> 01:33:50,236 [CHUCKLES] 1702 01:33:50,260 --> 01:33:53,372 You stupid fucking idiot. 1703 01:33:53,396 --> 01:33:58,099 Did you really think there was a cure... for that? 1704 01:33:59,936 --> 01:34:01,280 What? 1705 01:34:01,304 --> 01:34:02,403 You heard me. 1706 01:34:04,173 --> 01:34:05,317 No. 1707 01:34:05,341 --> 01:34:06,552 No! 1708 01:34:06,576 --> 01:34:08,020 [BREATHING HEAVILY] 1709 01:34:08,044 --> 01:34:09,610 [LAUGHING AND COUGHING] 1710 01:34:13,917 --> 01:34:17,496 So, you mean to say 1711 01:34:17,520 --> 01:34:22,368 after all this, you can't fix me? 1712 01:34:22,392 --> 01:34:24,503 It sounds even stupider when you say it. 1713 01:34:24,527 --> 01:34:26,438 Like the kind of stupid who admits 1714 01:34:26,462 --> 01:34:29,630 he can't do the one thing I'm keeping him alive for? 1715 01:34:33,503 --> 01:34:35,369 Any last words? 1716 01:34:37,206 --> 01:34:38,339 What's my name? 1717 01:34:39,375 --> 01:34:40,486 Who fucking cares? 1718 01:34:40,510 --> 01:34:41,575 [COLOSSUS] Wade! 1719 01:34:43,212 --> 01:34:46,058 Four or five moments. 1720 01:34:46,082 --> 01:34:47,792 I'm sorry? 1721 01:34:47,816 --> 01:34:49,549 Four or five moments, that's all it takes. 1722 01:34:50,186 --> 01:34:51,252 To? 1723 01:34:52,155 --> 01:34:53,487 Be a hero. 1724 01:34:54,090 --> 01:34:55,501 [GROANS] 1725 01:34:55,525 --> 01:34:58,404 Everyone thinks it's a full-time job. 1726 01:34:58,428 --> 01:35:00,706 Wake up a hero, brush your teeth a hero, 1727 01:35:00,730 --> 01:35:02,163 go to work a hero. 1728 01:35:02,498 --> 01:35:04,376 Not true. 1729 01:35:04,400 --> 01:35:07,579 Over a lifetime, there are only four or five moments 1730 01:35:07,603 --> 01:35:10,215 that really matter. 1731 01:35:10,239 --> 01:35:12,651 Moments when you're offered a choice. 1732 01:35:12,675 --> 01:35:15,421 To make a sacrifice, conquer a flaw, 1733 01:35:15,445 --> 01:35:17,078 save a friend 1734 01:35:17,513 --> 01:35:20,659 spare an enemy. 1735 01:35:20,683 --> 01:35:22,249 In these moments 1736 01:35:23,019 --> 01:35:26,398 everything else falls away. 1737 01:35:26,422 --> 01:35:29,401 The way the world sees us. 1738 01:35:29,425 --> 01:35:30,491 The way we... 1739 01:35:31,394 --> 01:35:33,027 [RETCHING] 1740 01:35:34,630 --> 01:35:35,763 Why? 1741 01:35:37,033 --> 01:35:39,078 You were droning on. 1742 01:35:39,102 --> 01:35:42,147 Sure, I may be stuck looking like pepperoni flatbread, 1743 01:35:42,171 --> 01:35:45,184 but at least fuck face won't heal from that. 1744 01:35:45,208 --> 01:35:48,253 If wearing superhero tights 1745 01:35:48,277 --> 01:35:49,655 means sparing psychopaths 1746 01:35:49,679 --> 01:35:52,024 then maybe I wasn't meant to wear 'em. 1747 01:35:52,048 --> 01:35:54,360 Not everyone monitors a hall like you. 1748 01:35:54,384 --> 01:35:55,461 Just promise... 1749 01:35:55,485 --> 01:35:57,196 Yeah, yeah, I'll be on the lookout 1750 01:35:57,220 --> 01:35:59,431 for the next four moments. 1751 01:35:59,455 --> 01:36:01,166 [WHISPERS] Oh, shit. 1752 01:36:01,190 --> 01:36:04,770 Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm just a boy, 1753 01:36:04,794 --> 01:36:07,172 about to stand in front of a girl, 1754 01:36:07,196 --> 01:36:08,474 and tell her... 1755 01:36:08,498 --> 01:36:10,542 What the fuck am I gonna tell her? 1756 01:36:10,566 --> 01:36:14,035 Well, hmm, you better figure it out. 1757 01:36:15,371 --> 01:36:16,615 I can't even tell you [GRUNTS] 1758 01:36:16,639 --> 01:36:18,484 I deserved that. That, too. 1759 01:36:18,508 --> 01:36:20,252 No, no, no, maybe not the nethers. 1760 01:36:20,276 --> 01:36:22,243 Start talking! 1761 01:36:24,213 --> 01:36:26,058 I'm sorry. 1762 01:36:26,082 --> 01:36:28,293 I'm so sorry. 1763 01:36:28,317 --> 01:36:30,818 [STUTTERS] For everything, I'm sorry for leaving 1764 01:36:32,355 --> 01:36:34,433 I'm sorry for not cowboying up sooner. 1765 01:36:34,457 --> 01:36:36,268 It's been rough couple of years. 1766 01:36:36,292 --> 01:36:37,358 Rough? 1767 01:36:45,134 --> 01:36:47,068 I live in a crack house. 1768 01:36:48,204 --> 01:36:49,537 With a family of 12. 1769 01:36:51,274 --> 01:36:52,718 Every night we spoon for warmth. 1770 01:36:52,742 --> 01:36:55,788 Everybody fights for Noelle. She's the fattest. 1771 01:36:55,812 --> 01:36:57,556 There's nothing that we don't share. 1772 01:36:57,580 --> 01:37:01,782 Floor space, dental floss, even condoms. 1773 01:37:09,792 --> 01:37:12,193 So, you live in a house. 1774 01:37:20,803 --> 01:37:23,838 I should have come and found you sooner. 1775 01:37:25,341 --> 01:37:26,652 But, baby, the guy under this mask, 1776 01:37:26,676 --> 01:37:29,376 he ain't the same one that you remember. 1777 01:37:33,616 --> 01:37:34,849 You mean this mask? 1778 01:37:54,904 --> 01:37:56,637 And this one. 1779 01:37:58,141 --> 01:37:59,840 In case the other fell off. 1780 01:38:02,745 --> 01:38:05,190 All right. Yeah, just... Ow. 1781 01:38:05,214 --> 01:38:06,792 Like a Band-Aid, just give it a... 1782 01:38:06,816 --> 01:38:09,128 Ow die 5,000. 1783 01:38:09,152 --> 01:38:10,284 Wait, wait, wait... 1784 01:38:12,155 --> 01:38:13,420 Are you sure? 1785 01:38:15,258 --> 01:38:16,323 I'm sure. 1786 01:38:26,536 --> 01:38:27,601 Wow. 1787 01:38:28,838 --> 01:38:30,204 Yeah. 1788 01:38:36,879 --> 01:38:38,412 Hey. 1789 01:38:40,550 --> 01:38:42,761 After a brief adjustment period, 1790 01:38:42,785 --> 01:38:44,785 and a bunch of drinks 1791 01:38:46,255 --> 01:38:48,289 it's a face 1792 01:38:52,595 --> 01:38:54,361 I'd be happy to sit on. 1793 01:39:01,671 --> 01:39:05,284 I'm not the same underneath this suit, either. 1794 01:39:05,308 --> 01:39:06,718 No. 1795 01:39:06,742 --> 01:39:08,720 Super-penis. 1796 01:39:08,744 --> 01:39:10,822 [COLOSSUS] Come on, Wade. Language. 1797 01:39:10,846 --> 01:39:12,413 Young one is present. 1798 01:39:13,416 --> 01:39:15,327 What are you still doing? 1799 01:39:15,351 --> 01:39:17,930 Get out of here. Go make yourself useful! 1800 01:39:17,954 --> 01:39:20,799 You, go be a really big brother to someone. 1801 01:39:20,823 --> 01:39:22,634 Tell Beast to stop shitting on my lawn. 1802 01:39:22,658 --> 01:39:24,603 And you, chicken noodle... 1803 01:39:24,627 --> 01:39:26,505 Nothing compares to you. 1804 01:39:26,529 --> 01:39:28,607 Sinead O'Connor, 1990. Sorry. 1805 01:39:28,631 --> 01:39:31,443 That's all right. You're cool. 1806 01:39:31,467 --> 01:39:32,666 [GASPS] 1807 01:39:33,336 --> 01:39:34,913 What in the ass? 1808 01:39:34,937 --> 01:39:38,483 That was not mean. I'm proud of you! 1809 01:39:38,507 --> 01:39:41,653 We will make an X-Man of you yet, Wade. 1810 01:39:41,677 --> 01:39:42,955 For a second there, 1811 01:39:42,979 --> 01:39:44,790 it felt like we were three mini-lion robots 1812 01:39:44,814 --> 01:39:47,248 coming together to form one super robot. 1813 01:39:47,883 --> 01:39:49,261 There's a stupid. 1814 01:39:49,285 --> 01:39:50,384 Yeah. 1815 01:39:53,689 --> 01:39:58,259 And now, for the moment I've all been waiting for. 1816 01:40:01,797 --> 01:40:02,963 Come here. 1817 01:40:05,901 --> 01:40:07,701 [POP MUSIC PLAYING] 1818 01:40:10,940 --> 01:40:12,784 [LAUGHING] 1819 01:40:12,808 --> 01:40:15,843 Wham! As promised. 1820 01:40:21,017 --> 01:40:22,816 [MAN VOCALIZING] 1821 01:40:28,824 --> 01:40:30,402 [WADE] See? 1822 01:40:30,426 --> 01:40:33,672 You don't need to be a superhero to get the girl. 1823 01:40:33,696 --> 01:40:36,975 The right girl will bring out the hero in you. 1824 01:40:36,999 --> 01:40:40,612 Now, let's finish this epic wide shot. Pull out. 1825 01:40:40,636 --> 01:40:42,314 There we go, that looks nice. 1826 01:40:42,338 --> 01:40:43,448 That's gonna be about the only thing 1827 01:40:43,472 --> 01:40:44,750 that's pulling out tonight. 1828 01:40:44,774 --> 01:40:47,986 Who doesn't love a happy ending, huh? 1829 01:40:48,010 --> 01:40:49,655 'Til next time, this is 1830 01:40:49,679 --> 01:40:51,890 your friendly neighbourhood pool guy singing 1831 01:40:51,914 --> 01:40:54,393 I'm never gonna dance again 1832 01:40:54,417 --> 01:40:57,885 The way I danced with you 1833 01:46:53,208 --> 01:46:56,276 Captioned by Deluxe 1834 01:47:07,790 --> 01:47:09,356 You're still here? 1835 01:47:11,960 --> 01:47:15,062 It's over. Go home. 1836 01:47:16,765 --> 01:47:19,210 Oh, you're expecting a teaser for Dead pool 2. 1837 01:47:19,234 --> 01:47:22,047 Well, we don't have that kind of money. 1838 01:47:22,071 --> 01:47:25,083 What are you expecting? Sam Jackson to show up? 1839 01:47:25,107 --> 01:47:27,852 With an eye patch and a saucy little leather number? 1840 01:47:27,876 --> 01:47:29,443 Go. Go. 1841 01:47:34,783 --> 01:47:36,527 Oh. 1842 01:47:36,551 --> 01:47:38,296 But I can tell you one thing, and it's a bit of a secret. 1843 01:47:38,320 --> 01:47:41,466 For the sequel, we're gonna have Cable. 1844 01:47:41,490 --> 01:47:44,035 Amazing character. Bionic arm, time travel. 1845 01:47:44,059 --> 01:47:45,203 We have no idea who we're gonna cast yet, 1846 01:47:45,227 --> 01:47:46,337 but it could be anybody. 1847 01:47:46,361 --> 01:47:47,972 Just need a big guy with a flat top. 1848 01:47:47,996 --> 01:47:49,774 Could be Mel Gibson, Dolph Lundgren 1849 01:47:49,798 --> 01:47:52,210 Keira Knightley. She's got range. Who knows. 1850 01:47:52,234 --> 01:47:53,778 Anyway, big secret. Shh... 1851 01:47:53,802 --> 01:47:55,814 Oh, and don't leave your garbage all lying around. 1852 01:47:55,838 --> 01:47:58,238 It's a total dick move. 1853 01:47:59,141 --> 01:48:00,273 Go.